He is the cutest...

I can't even begin to describe how much fun it is to be with Cash. He is sometimes fussy, cranky and just plain stinky but I still love him. Here are a few pictures I took at Christmas. The first picture was taken on the 26th at the "Fordyce" Christmas get together. The others were taken at my house Christmas morning/afternoon. There were a couple of times when the wrapping paper seemed to over take the whole room and Cash seemed to just disappear in it all. The plane he is riding on is an Elmo plane with a propeller that rotates and has lights. The engine sound is pretty accurate considering it is a toy. I just noticed when I loaded these pictures that I only took one picture of his mom, his dad in the background on a couple and no pictures of Aunt Lisa or Uncle Buck. Yep, I am a Grandma...

Snow, snow and more snow...

As I sit here in front of Steve's computer I can look out the window and see the snow coming down. It makes me think of Steve. How much he and the girls would chant "Two feet, two feet" whenever it snowed. They loved playing in the snow together. Sledding down Hammer's hill, pulling an inner tube behind the three wheeler and building snowmen. Though one year Steve added breasts to the snow "person" which got big laughs from Sarah and Nick Schneider. Somewhere I know there are pictures of that snow 'woman'. Oh, how I miss my dear Steven.

ETA: It started to snow again and hard for quite awhile. Everything is so bright outside though usually at this time it is completely dark. I took this photo standing on my porch looking south.

The reason for the season...

is of course to celebrate the birth of Christ and to be thankful for all that he has given us. I am so thankful for all of my loved ones. Those near and far, please know that you are in my heart and mind always...

Family...

I am truly blessed. I can not speak for everyone this I know, but I can say without a doubt I have a wonderful family. My brother-in-law Michael stepped in and dealt with the headstone issue so that I would not have to. It doesn't appear that there will be a problem with moving it though it won't happen till after the new year. My son-in-law Nate stepped in and took over the job of getting the family Christmas trees. Also my son-in-law Buck came over one weekend and cleaned out all the gutters on my house, washed leaves off the roof and cleaned up the remaining wood on my driveway from the pine tree that was cut down. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you...

Murphy''s law...

It turned out beautiful. I think they did a wonderful job on the plane, but... I think it goes something like this; they have installed the headstone to Steve's grave wrong. You really can't tell in this picture but it is wrong. How much more do we have to go through??

Going out with a bang...

By about 9PM things south of here were really messy. Icy roads and accidents were happening for those that live in the Albany area and south. My dear friend Notocha lives in Corvallis and was here in Salem scrapbooking, when she got a call from her son saying things were getting really slippery there so she decided to head home. She made it home, barely. She couldn't drive the hill to her home so she had to park in another neighborhood and walk home. She said even the bark dust she tried to walk on was slippery. Wow. This nasty cold front coming from the north is colliding with a warm front coming in from the south. That usually means nasty conditions till things warm up and that it looks to be the case at least south of here. My thermometer is reading 32 degrees so once the sun comes up it should warm up and be okay. But this is Oregon after all, so who knows...

Another night and day...

Of temperatures in the teens (13 degrees) and thirties (30 degrees) for us. It has been this way for three days now and a good many of us are ready for it to be over. The transition according to the weatherman could be nasty with freezing rain conditions for tonight and tomorrow morning. As long as I don't have to drive in those conditions I will be fine.

Still in search of shoes for Cash that will be comfortable for him and me, something he can walk in easily that won't break his grandma's pocket book. I, really think that comfort and cheap might be an oxymoron. So the search goes on...

I am buying...

Stock in baby shoes, manufacturers that is. My sweet little grandson has got BIG feet for his age. I bought him some shoes I would say not too long before his birthday, which was just a couple of weeks ago. They had a good half inch growing room for him too and he has outgrown them!! Boy, do I feel for his mommy and daddy...

It read 11 degrees...

And the weatherman says another night in the teens tonight. Great. It will be warming up to around thirty by the end of the week. Yippee!!

On other news; Cash and I had our first broken glass incident this morning. It was a suspended magnet holder that I had gotten for Steve when the girls were little. I had always thought that the clear piece was made of plastic, I was wrong. So I managed to clean it up and run the sweeper to get the remainder of the tiny pieces while Cash watched. The vacuum didn't scare him either, which is good news for me. Means I can run it while he is playing or sleeping. The real weird thing about this is he has dropped it dozens of times and it never broke. One more time is all it took and it didn't matter that it was on the rug when it happened...

It says 13...

Oh, yea 13 degrees at 6AM. What made me think moving to Oregon was going to be a breeze so to speak? The wind is only about 8mph but it is making the temp feel like another ten degrees colder! I am glad I sort of listened to Steve when he was telling me what he did around here to winterize the place. And thankfully what I didn't recall or know Sarah did. I sure love that kid!!

Next year, Beavers...

It was a good game. It wasn't till close to the end that it was determined. I would rather watch and lose when the game is a good one than to have it handed to the winner by poor sportsmanship or officiating. So next year Beavers...

Seven months...

I am praying to get through the holidays...

This year...

Has not been easy for me and my loved ones. We are going through the motions with the holidays missing Steve terribly. It just doesn't seem right without him and that is not going to change I know. Being aware of this doesn't make it any easier and it only makes my grief at times unbearable. That being said I also realize I am not the only one that misses him this way. Besides the family there are his many, many friends and co-workers that also miss him. I just want everyone to know how I also think of all of you all of the time. I hope your Thanksgiving was a good one.

ETA: Sarah took this photo on one of their flights to the coast. Nate was sitting in the front where she would normally sit when she went flying with her Dad. I have to say this photo gives me goosebumps, as I look at it and feel like I could just reach out and touch him...

Missing him...

Another first today. My first Thanksgiving without Steve. People wonder how you can be thankful after losing a loved one. It is hard I won't lie, but it is also easier when you are surrounded by those who loved him too. My dear sister-in-law Annette invited me and my girls (plus the hubby's) to Thanksgiving dinner today. It was wonderful. Lots of good food, family and fun games. I didn't participate in the infamous game of "Spoons" but did play "Family". What a blast we had. The evening didn't end as good as the day was for I had another one of those times where I couldn't stop crying. I keep asking myself is this what my life is going to be like from now on? Two hour bouts of crying followed by a bad headache is not my idea of a good time...

Once again...

Piper has run away. This time she managed to wiggle out of her dog collar so there are no tags to identify her. We fear that she is gone for good. Sarah is beside herself because Piper was Steve's dog and she feels responsible for her getting away. This may very well be why we came upon her. All this time we thought someone abandoned her now I am thinking she may have just been a runaway. Who knows but hopefully she will not wonder too far and possibly even return home...

Shhhh... he is taking his morning nap

He fights these just like him momma used to do it. But when he falls asleep he looks so angelic that you just want to hug him to pieces! After lunch we are going to go to drop off my laptop to a friend to get rid of a virus and load some software for me. Then possibly the grocery store and Target. It all depends on how I hold up...

Party for Cash...

Okay, I will admit at this age a party isn't really for him so much as it is about him. He had a couple of firsts. He learned how to eat birthday cake with no clothes on and how to open his very first birthday gifts. There were forty-four people in attendance and of those nine were children. He had three grandmothers and one great grandma there. He loved the cake and presents but didn't like the clean up. I didn't get pictures of that because people with cameras kept getting in my way. Hopefully someone used Sarah's camera and took some photos...

ETA: The pictures are in reverse order. I still forget that this is how Google does their photo downloads.

This little guy...

Is a year old today. It hardly seems possible that a year has gone by already. It looks like in another year he will be as tall as his momma at the rate he is growing. He is such a joy to be around. All bragging aside Cash is just plain wonderful. Wow, I sound like a grandma. :)

Sarah and Steve...

It can be frightful at times how much alike they were. They both loved animals, the outdoors, wind and rain storms, lightning and thunder but their politics weren't the same. It was something Sarah didn't let her Dad know and that was just as well. Her penchant for giving me a bad time, all in fun of course, is what makes her day and that is SO like Steve. He would frustrate me to no end at times and at others make me laugh till my sides ached. I believe he reveled in both. So when I told her that I was finding stuff I had no clue about or wondered what it was and that I was making a list to talk to him about the next time I visited him she laughed. Yes, it is a complaint list. She said she talks to Dad about me when she visits. I was hoping she would say she told him how much I miss him or how much I enjoy our grandson but no. Instead she said she tells him how I leave stuff on the couches, which drove him crazy, and there is no place to sit. To him I will say, things have changed a lot and not so much since he left us. We still love him like crazy and miss how much he loved to entertain us with his talk of politics or love of planes. So on occasion we roll our eyes or they glaze over in honor of those times...

Still under the weather...

This stuff just seems to be hanging on. I just heard that my sister-in-law Annette now has it. This is just great. We are supposed to get together for dinner on Wednesday. Hmmm...

Sick...

I can't say that I got this from my kids or grandson. My head is plugged and the headache is nasty but the sore throat is gone. Was supposed to go to dinner with my dear mother-in-law but I can't. I forgot to pick up my prescription yesterday so I had to go this morning and I tried not to expose any body to this stuff while I was out. I went to the walk up window at Bi-Mart picked up my meds and came home. If it wasn't for the throbbing headache I actually would go to sleep but that is not going to happen...

He would have been 50...

I had already started planning a surprise party and it would have been loads of fun. It was another first for me, my first birthday and his without him. The girls and I did what we always do and that is have dinner together. Though he wasn't there physically, he was there in spirit. We are coming up on another first, his grandson's first birthday and it will be tough but we will get through this too...

ETA: This was taken in Tillamook by Sarah.

Off to a weekend of scrapbooking...

It is another weekend filled with friends, food, laughter and of course scrapbooking!! This time it is local. It is being held at the Shilo Inn so if I forget anything I can come home and get it.

Have a good weekend everybody!!

Pirates can be cute!!!

I'm right, aren't I?? Cash in his very first Halloween costume...

Twelve years...

It is so hard to believe that it has been twelve years since my father-in-law Bob passed away. I can still hear his voice when he would knock on the door and call out "hello". Why is it I can hear his after all this time and I can't remember Steve's? My dear sweet mother-in-law Norma, I am thinking of you and sending you big giant hugs...

Started out good...

The day started out good, if you call cleaning house and doing laundry good, but it has deteriorated quickly. I have been in a constant state of tears for the last hour. I miss my Steven so much...

The price...

I had a full day yesterday and was extremely exhausted when I got home. I held out as long as possible before going to bed because I knew if I didn't I would wake in the middle of the night and be wide awake. Sure enough I am wide awake and it is 2AM. I succumbed to sleep somewhere around ten and now what I was sure would happen has. I have read the paper, read a magazine and am now resorting to surfing the web, damn...

Recovering...

I spent the weekend at the coast (Lincoln City) with some very special ladies. We ate yummy food and drinks. Watched girl flicks and scrapbooked into the wee hours of the morning. I didn't have as productive a weekend as I had hoped. I think I left my creativeness at home! But it was fun anyway. Lots of pictures were taken mostly in fun because they sure as heck weren't flattering. We laughed at times so hard we had tears. It is just what girlfriends should do...

A blue moment...

One of Steve's closest friends, Kelly posted a picture of his plane on Facebook. It was stating what looked to be the obvious, that his annual was going to take a bit longer, the engine was not on the plane. It took a moment for me to see that in the background was the back half of 6931D, the plane Steve co-owned with two other pilots when he learned to fly. It took my breath away and I then I had to cry...

Lots of things...and Cash is taking steps.

So much has happened since April and all of them aren't bad. I am teaching more classes at the store, Steve's friends Garrett and Amanda became parents last Friday to Ian, Raymond has added on to his farmers market, Lisa took a new job with Columbia, Sarah got married and Cash turned ten months on the 21st of last month. Yes, there was the wrongful death lawsuit issue and the fact that the insurance company has been dragging their feet to pay off on the policy but those issues appear to be solved since I hired an attorney to push things along.

I have myself a new point and shoot camera for taking photos of Cash but I have to get a card reader to download them to my computer. I can print off the printer in most cases but this card is too small to fit in any of the slots, of course.

And this little cutie is taking steps. Of course, when he realizes it he tries to grab onto something and if that isn't possible he just plops down on his butt. He is so funny.

Cut and color...

It was just what I needed to give me a morale boost. I had my hairdresser give me a weave of two colors, a shade lighter than mine and a dark blond shade. It gave it just the right look. I wasn't looking to cover my gray just give my hair a little lift, so I still have a little showing. I don't know how Cash is going to like this as he seemed to be a bit attached to my gray hair. He wouldn't pull it, just grab and look. I am guessing since no one at his house has any yet, it was a novelty. Baby sat him on Wednesday for quite a bit of time and we had a blast. I had planned on going to Target and getting a small stroller to put in my trunk but he was having so much fun playing that I just passed on the trip. He finally went down for a late nap at around 4PM just about an hour before his mommy got home. And goodness that boy is getting tall! At this rate he will be taller than his grandma by the time he gets into first grade. Gee...

Sitting in Steve's office...

Looking at a photo of him and wishing I could ask him "what the hell is all this stuff"? I need to get this room cleaned out and I haven't a clue where to start. The piles of magazines is the easy part. But there are the electronics and aviation catalogs that I don't know if they are worth anything. There are also a variety of computers most of them working and I only need one. Many of these are really old; an Amiga, a Kaypro (he had in college), a Fujitsu laptop and another tower sitting next to the one I am keeping. Lots of miscellaneous computer/engineering stuff and books everywhere. I think I am going to have to email some pilot and engineer buddies for some tips or help. Damn...

Testing, testing, testing...

I am really missing this guy. He fixed things around the house, worked on our cars when he had time or the inclination, fixed my computers when I had trouble with them and gave the greatest hugs on earth. And I miss him like crazy. But I am going to figure this problem out or I am going to beat this computer to death if I can't make it work!!!

ETA: I fixed it, yea for me!!!

Missing him...

The days like this make me think of Steve. The weather starts out crappy (foggy) and he would contemplate going into work later so he could fly. But Oregon weather never co-operates with pilots, so more often then not he got into his car and drove the sixty plus miles to work. He hated it especially when the fog would clear and turn out beautiful like today.

ETA: Still can't post pictures. It is frustrating me but I won't let it win. I will fix this!!

Another milestone...

The months seem to fly by at times and it is hard to believe that my "beloved" Steve has been gone for six months. How much more can you miss a person? I mean really, you hear of people having heartaches when referring to love but it can mean so many things depending on the situation...

ETA: I have been trying for a several days now to publish this post with a picture but for some reason it won't let me. It has something to do with my Adobe download. Damn.

My Mommy...

She turned 80 today. And is celebrating the way she should, in Las Vegas with my Dad, my Uncle Robert and my cousin Denise. I may have to wire money...

Love you, Mom.

I took another big step today...

We (Lisa, Sarah, Nate and Cash) met at Capital Monument to order Steve's headstone. Loads of choices from the color of the stone, size, shape and the number of polished surfaces. We picked a blue granite in the shape that my mother-in-law chose for my father-in-law, it is a wedge of sorts. Sarah chose three letter fonts and we agreed on one of those. We are having a replica of a Piper Tri-Pacer engraved on it. It is definitely something everyone should plan for because it isn't cheap by any means. I am so glad that I have the money now to do this right and I know Steve would be very happy with our choices...

Early in the day...then the night.

I had a bit of hint that my day might not turn out so good. I watched Cash during the lunch hour today while Sarah worked at the Noodle. He is such a joy and certain facial expressions he has bring memories of his grandpa soaring into full view. I had to choke back the tears a couple of times. Even his hair color reminds me of Steven's. When I got home and settled in it didn't take too long for it to hit me full force. The ache can be so intense at times that even I am unprepared for how much. Is crying supposed to make you feel a certain release or relief? Well if it is, it ain't happening for me. I have spent the better part of the last five hours crying off and on. The ache is just as intense as it was the day Steve died and sometimes the loneliness is absolutely unbearable. I miss him so much that just being in the house makes me want to cry out in pain. All of his belongings just seem to haunt me at times and at others they give me comfort. I don't know what steps to take next, but totally understand why they say to not make any big decisions in your life for the first year...

It is beginning to feel like fall...

It is cooling down during the night and we are starting to have fog in the morning. So sometime soon I will be turning on my furnace. It was a battle between me and Steve about this time every year. It would get to about 65 degrees in the house and I wanted the furnace on. His answer put on another layer of clothes and I will start a fire. I won't be having those discussions anymore. Now I will turn on the furnace when I am ready.

Oregon, sweet Oregon...

We are having some of our liquid sunshine as I write this. I love the way air smells after a rain. Life's mysteries to me; why do you get more drenched with a light mist than a pouring down rain? I may have found the answer while not really looking for it. I noticed that I don't tend to rush to get out of the rain when there is a light mist, while I do when it is pouring. so it may not be a mystery after all...

How much more can a family take???

Last evening I received a text message from Lisa that was not good news. They had just received a call from Bucks parents telling them that his maternal grandmother was not doing well and that in fact it was just a matter of time. When I hear this a few days or even a few weeks comes to mind. But alas that was not to be, as he heard today that his grandmother had passed away in the wee hours of the morning. Lisa said she just doesn't think she can do another funeral as she is already emotionally spent. Boy, that has got to be the biggest understatement of the year...

ETA: This is a picture of Lisa and Buck with his parents and his grandmother taken at their wedding.

Without him...

We had finished watching the first half of last seasons "Battlestar Gallactica" and were looking forward to watching the end. It was the last season of the show and it had been on my Netflix list since it was released. I had moved it around on the list several times because I couldn't bear to watch it alone as it had become one of two shows we watched together. I finally watched it. The music for the show is quite unique which Steve and I both liked. When it started it gave me such an eerie and odd feeling. The sense of loneliness, sadness and emptiness all rolled into one. I cried off and on the whole time the opening credits played. I miss him so much....

Good news and bad news...

The good news: I had a meeting with my attorney this morning. My sweet sister-in-law Chris drove me. We had to drive to Hillsboro to meet him. She offered to drive, her car gets way better gas mileage and it is just the cutest Mini Cooper I have ever seen, so I said okay.

The attorney after looking over the papers I brought him told me that I had no worries about my being at risk for suit. Since I did not have my name on the plane or anything associated with it I was not responsible. The only thing that is in the estate is his plane insurance so that is the only thing they could go after. He also said things should have progressed a little further than they have so he said would push things along and make them happen. Thank goodness.

The bad news: I am still sick. Once we got back from the appointment I took some cold meds and slept most of the afternoon. Am I worried about sleeping tonight? Not a bit as I am still feeling icky...

First his mommy now me...

Cash has a nasty cold and has given it to his mommy. What a nice gift, huh? NOT. Especially now that his grandma has it. I started feeling kind of icky about four this afternoon and now my head is stuffed up, my throat is sore, I am coughing and I have a huge headache. Just wonderful...

ETA: I have an appointment with my attorney on Thursday morning to deal with the wrongful death claim that is being made against Steve's estate. I have a feeling I am not going to be doing so great, damn.

Breakdown in the driveway...

I found a pair of Steve's sunglasses in the Excursion. I just went to pieces. I sat in my driveway for a good ten minutes crying and decided I was in no shape to go anywhere so I went back into the house. It's hard to believe that sometime in the future this will get better...

One of my all time favorite photos...

It is such a close photo of Steve that it makes me want to reach into the screen and touch his face. This photo was taken by Sarah on their trip to California in 2006. It was the trip that included flying over Crater Lake and a trip to Castle Air Museum in Atwater. Steve arranged this trip to coincide with "open cockpit" day. One day a year, the last Sunday in May, they open the planes up for visitors to see inside. His plan was to take my Dad but our girls had already booked him for a Giants baseball game so my brother Tom went instead. Weather, the following two years prevented a return trip to take my Dad, this year was going to be that year...

ETA: Steve was flying N6931D at the time. He bought N9996D in October of the same year. I didn't realize that it had been two and half years since he had bought his plane until I looked at the record in his log book.

Five months...

It is so hard to believe that it has been five months since my dear Steve passed away, so much has happened since then. I woke at ten minutes to seven this morning which was weird. Because at the very same time five months ago he had left the house heading to Lusardi's to pick up Pam and fly to work. Oh, how I miss him...

He has his first tooth...

I received a text message from Sarah about twenty minutes ago that said he has his first tooth!! Yippee...

Just as I feared...

I received notice today that Steve's estate is being sued. It is a wrongful death claim and they are looking for insurance proceeds to cover said claim. Just what I need to begin my weekend...

Zipping by...

Yes, that is what time does. It is hard to believe that Sarah and Nate have been married for a month now. Nate called and asked if I could watch Cash while he took Sarah out to dinner to celebrate. It was to be a surprise. Of course, I can't say no to being with my grandson! So we spent a couple of hours together at my house. He knew something was up pretty quick and was not a happy camper. But mostly it was due to his teeth. It is bad enough that he won't even eat his favorite crackers because it hurts when he bites down, poor baby. He ate dinner and then we watched "Jungle Book" while he played on the couch. All I got to do was make sure he didn't take a header off the couch and wipe up drool off the leather upholstery. Sheesh...

ETA: I also have the song "Bare Necessities" stuck in my brain...

Today and 23 years ago...

Today would have been the start of twenty-three years of wedded bliss but that changed on April 1st. So today I celebrate that wonderous event alone. He was my best friend, my confidant, my lover and my life. No one will ever replace him in my heart or soul. So today begins a different chapter in my married life. One where I have to acknowledge the many things I have been doing on auto-pilot since Steve passed away. I will no longer have him to help me make decisions that are crucial in our lives. I will make those decisions alone now hoping that they are what he would have done. Looking at these photos makes me realize that the last twenty-two years literally flew by. How young we looked when we were married and yet we weren't. He was 26 and I was 32. Lisa had turned eight the month before and a mere year later her sister Sarah would be born. It wasn't our original plan to have children right away but God saw to it that it happened for us anyway. We were truly blessed with our little family...

Wireless...

I am in wireless network hell. I keep losing my network connection. One minute the wireless network is there and the next it isn't. Gee...

Yea, it's Oregon weather...

They are saying 92 degrees today and possibly 99 tomorrow. You would never know that three nights ago it was cool enough to put an extra blanket on to sleep. Geez...

Good News: I heard from the Oregon State Insurance Commission this morning. The gal informed me that the insurance company was paying on Steve's AD&D insurance policy. Thank goodness all 'this' insurance stuff is over. Now all I have to do is deal with the plane insurance.

ETA: Also on the news front; the preliminary NTSB report is out on the accident. Just stated facts like witness accounts and radar recordings, no findings yet.

Is this August???

I woke up this morning and the house temp was 68 degrees! What is up with that? Oh well, off to start my day...

Today

Started out as usual. Showered, ran to get coffee and went to Sarah's for my babysitting stint with Mr. Cash. He was a little fussy today. He appeared to be out of sorts, not wanting to eat much, drink his bottle let alone sleep either. And that is weird since both Sarah and Nate said he has been having some difficulty sleeping the last couple of nights. His forehead and hands seemed a bit warmer than usual. I hope he isn't coming down with anything. Here is one of my all time favorite photos of Steve and Cash.

I have the next couple of days off from babysitting so I am going to meet some friends for lunch and then head out to Independence to the scrapbook store there.

My afternoon turned kind of blue for me. I have been thinking an awful lot about Steve. I miss him so much...

ETA: This is what I think my sleeping problem is caused by. Here it is 3AM and though I went to bed late I am wide awake now.

Rain in August, yep it's Oregon...

Yes, it is raining!!! It started sprinkling when Sarah, Nate, Cash and I went to dinner. It has become "rain" not showers as the weather person first said it would do this afternoon. It wasn't supposed to start till after eleven this evening but that didn't happen either. I am not complaining as it has gotten very dusty around here and this will put an end to that even if for a short time. Taking care of Cash in the mornings has been loads of fun, despite the poopy diapers. He is just the sweetest baby. I wish his grandpa Steve were here to enjoy how much fun he has become...

1st Anniversary...

On Saturday Lisa and Buck celebrated their 'one' year anniversary. They went to breakfast, then to do some wine tasting at the place where they got married and just hang out. That weekend was sandwiched between two business trips that Lisa had to do for Columbia. She was in Vacaville, CA last week and is in Marysville, WA this week. I took these pictures out in front of their house on Saturday. She had wanted Kristi, her wedding photograper, to take pictures of her in her cleats with her dress on but had forgotten to take the cleats with her to the vineyard the day they got married. So I took the photos instead this past Saturday. She is my softball 'princess'...

Exhausted...

I am not a young person anymore. I only watch Cash for approximately four hours a day and part of that time he is napping but I am still exhausted when I get home. How can anyone so little tire someone out so quickly?? It sounds like I am complaining but seriously I am not. He is a very good baby and only fusses when he is hungry, tired or his gums hurt him. The dog is more of a nuisance than little Cash...

My mini meltdowns...

If I knew what triggered them I would avoid those situations at all cost. But it is never the same thing that causes them. His shampoo in the shower, his razor (where he left it), his conceal carry vest hanging on the back of his chair in his office, stepping into the garage or just looking at his picture. These things are so much a part of my life and I can't get rid of them. Just the thought of doing that sends me into a tailspin. So when my meltdowns happen I just have to ride them out. And when I am ready to remove some of my memories I will do so, but until then the meltdowns will continue to happen when I least expect it...

Dancing with his Aunt Lisa...

His grandpa would have been so proud to see Cash dancing with his Aunt Lisa. My guess is that Steve was there with Grandma Lucille watching over all the festivities and wishing the newlyweds a very happily ever after.

Could they possibly be any cuter??

A few more pictures for everyone to enjoy. The first photo was just after Nathan pronounced them Mr. and Mrs. Nathaniel Crawford. Can you tell they are super excited? The second photo was just before they cut the cake, did the toast and threw the garter.

Mr and Mrs Crawford...

I took this picture of their first dance. It was all I could do to take the photo as the tears were rolling down my face. I took a bunch of photos but this is the first I edited. Only because I couldn't wait to post a photo...

The sign...

This the sign that was at the end of the driveway that greeted our guests yesterday evening. It says everything about my girl and her husband. Wow, that has such an odd sound to it. It is wonderful though and I am so happy for them. I will post pictures when I edit them. As it is now the heat is quickly getting this room too warm to have my computer on.

Today

His mommy and daddy get married. Though the bride is supposed to be the center of attention I have a strong feeling he will steal the show.

Eureka!!!

I found my dress.

Minus 24 and counting...

All things are done from my end. But I can't find the dress I wanted to wear!! Ahhhh.....

Just two more days...

Then these two will be man and wife. It is hard to believe that the day is almost here. In August of last year this day seemed a long way off. Though there have been big changes since then, it appears that all is coming together fine. Some stuff has become unavoidable and annoying but we will weather this too. By 9PM Saturday I will officially have two sons-in-law. How cool is that??

Damn fairies...

They didn't show up last night. What's with that???

CASH IS CRAWLING!!!

Dang not only do I have to clean good but baby proof too....

ETA: Maybe the housekeeping fairies will show up tonight. Yea and maybe the fairies that bring cooler weather could show up too!! Ha..ha..

Eight days...

These two will become Mr and Mrs Nate Crawford. It hardly seems possible that they have been together for four years. The time has just flown by literally. All kinds of little loose ends to take care of but we have a list and are being marked off as they get done. The downside is just as soon as we check something off, something gets added. Little details that we have forgotten but I hear this happens all the time. Sheesh...

Love this guy...

He is so darn cute! Yes I am a bit biased he is my only grandchild and after all I am his #1 grandma. I took this photo at the park on Saturday when we were celebrating Lisa and Norma's birthdays.

Dessert ...

The family got together at Lisa and Bucks for dessert. The side benefit was the baseball all-star game. Imagine my surprise that Lisa was watching it. :) Cash got to spend time rolling around on the floor playing with the Nerf stuff for her Wii. He looked like he wanted to cry a couple times as he kept watching to see if his parents were going to leave him. But he finally relaxed enough to barf on her floor a couple of times. He is so darn cute!!
ETA: What the heck, here I am again not sleeping though I took a sleeping pill.

Eleven days...

Yes, I can hardly believe it! My little girl will become Mrs. Crawford. We are on the home stretch. Tables, chairs and linens; check. Flowers; check, ribbon for decorating center pieces not yet but on the list. Sarah will be coming over tomorrow after work to try on her dress so I can hem it. I still have shawls that I haven't hemmed yet, dang!! Have to check the list for all the other things I can't think of right now...

Happy Birthday Norma!!!

Here's a birthday wish to the sweetest mother-in-law on earth...

Lisa is 31 today!!!

I just doesn't seem possible. We, most of the Fordyce family, met at the city park in Silverton for a barbeque/birthday party. It was my Lisa's birthday and my mother-in-law Norma's is tomorrow so we celebrated them together as we have over the years. It was lots fun as usual. It included several games of volleyball which was hysterical at times to watch. Loads of pictures were taken by Cash's mommy and daddy using my camera. Sarah said she doesn't like my Canon Rebel. Good, that means I won't lose it to my little girl...
ETA: The picture is of Cash with his Aunt Lisa riding a swing. Cash wasn't all that crazy about it either. In this photo they are watching Nate ride on the swing next to them.

Things are looking up...

I received a call from the life insurance "benefits analyst" (whatever that is), to tell me that he was submitting my claim and that it should get approval next week. Also that the AD&D policy would take a bit longer as they are waiting for the toxicolgy report from the coroner. I was so frustrated earlier this week and my dear friend Mary stepped in. She made a call to the insurance commission and I filed an inquiry into the claim. I have no idea if this prompted the insurance to respond but my guess is yes. Dang I guess it is true, the squeeky wheel does get the grease...

Wednesday wedding...

I attended a wedding yesterday afternoon at Beckenridge Vineyards in Dallas. It was a very pretty setting and very nice reception. As in a few weddings there was a brief altercation between families. Thank goodness most of the guests had left. The grandmother of the bride and the new mother-in-law got into over a floral table arrangement. It ended with the mother-in-law stomping off out of the building. Why do grownups choose settings like this to act like little children? I am proud to say that this didn't happen at Lisa's wedding and I hope it doesn't at Sarah's but the potential is there unfortunately. The kids have made some changes that may prompt some discussion from some of Nate's family. I told them to lay any of the blame on me, and that in my grieving state I made some requests that they can't say no to. It totally lets them off the hook and hopefully no one will be tacky enough to approach me about it.

I hate insurance companies...

Okay, maybe that is a bit of a generalization but it speaks of my state of mind right now. I had to put Steve's estate into probate because I was not listed as an owner on his plane. Because of that small detail the insurance company would not proceed to pay off the loan on the plane or pay out on the small amount designated for the funeral. So paperwork has been started so that I can be named Steve's personal representative. What a royal pain in the back side. Though the insurance company is paying for the attorney it is still a nuisance. They have to post in the paper and send a contact letter to both Sarah and Pam Lusardi's husband Rob. They won't pay him unless he files for it. Don't even get me started on the life insurance people!! I have called and left messages and no one has responded to me. My bank account is getting pretty low and I see no early resolution. Damn...

Dead battery...

I would have had pictures of last nights festivies but my camera battery was dead. Darn it! I noticed it was needing to be charged at my last camera class but I totally forgot about it. It was food, fun and fireworks. The fun part was the water fight my nephews, some of their friends and my brother-in-law Craig took part in as the smarter people just watched. The fireworks display was a good one as ususal and the weather was perfect. The only reason I put my sweater on was to keep myself shielded from the mosquitos but I still had five bites when I got home, the damn things.

His favorite holiday...

He was in his own little heaven every 4th of July. From the home made "howitzer" that shot tennis balls through appliances to flares taped to propane tanks he was just a "little boy" at heart. He loved the fourth of July with purchased or homemade fireworks. He loved putting smiles on little children and watching their reactions to the evenings events, but mostly he just loved "blowing" things up for the load noises. The only time I remember him having an equal smile on his face was when he and Lisa danced their "father-daughter" dance at her wedding. All these memories bring me laughter and joy which we will share with Cash. Because some of these events we actually have video of just in case he doesn't believe the stories we will tell him of his grandpa Steve...
ETA: These photos were taken in 2006, and these were just a very small portion of the fireworks that we had that evening.

Summer is here ...

Summer is officially here. It hit 92 degrees and looks to stay in that temperature range through the weekend. The cool down will happen next Tuesday, so the weatherman says. An impromptu gathering occurred at Raymond's for his sweetie Annette last night. We had loads of fun and yummy cake thanks to Raymond. It was such a delight to see Cash and Stuart sitting on the ground getting acquainted. My family has been invited to their place for their 4th of July activities. It obviously won't be the same without Steve. There will be no tennis ball cannon, nor the 'howitzer' (what I called it), and no small explosives in the grain tank. Yep won't be the same. It was his favorite holiday...

Another sleepless night...

So here I am once again wide awake. How I hate this.

What is normal??

Normal is a strange word for me these days. I have no 'normal' days anymore. I am always changing things I do because sadness constantly threatens to consume me. It is always on the outer edges of things, so it is a daily struggle. I want the days back that finds me not doing things alone, like eating breakfast or going to the movies. I miss Steve so very much.

Pretty face...

No matter the age or the fact that they drool does not discourage the ladies from fawning over a pretty face. Such is the case with my grandson who in this picture has the evidence on his lips from some lady kissing him. I can't say that I blame them as I do it all the time too...

Class stuff, etc...

I finished the Disney layout for next months class and updated the Technique Tuesday cards we are also offering next month. I won't be doing any other classes as Sarah's wedding is fast approaching and I have tons of things to do before then. I will be spending tomorrow with my friends scrapbooking for the day. Followed on Sunday by doing alterations on Sarah's wedding dress which should be quick and easy, I hope. The wedding is less than a month away...

Class acts, not...

Sarah's stressing thanks to some not so cool people. It seems that some think it is okay to ask why they were not invited to the wedding. I would think that if you are chosen to be invited it is because you hold a special place in the wedding couples hearts and lives. Acquaintances, co-workers and even some family have not been invited. The reasons range from distance (miles) to cost saving measures. The list of people that they chose to invite was a long one and it had to be pared down due to space and cost. Sarah has not been employed since December and Nate has been laid off (temporarily) since May I believe. As mother of the bride with virtually no money it was a necessity. What I find so unclassy about this whole thing is they are actually calling her and asking her directly. She shouldn't have to justify her decision to these people. As I told her just lay that on me as it isn't a lie. I don't have the money to feed the entire city of Salem...

ETA: I spoke to another young lady that I know that is getting married in a couple of weeks and she has gotten these kinds of calls too. Wow...

Teaching this class tonight...

It is my second Disney layout class and I think it turned out pretty cute. I tried to finish working on it yesterday but I was just feeling too sad. Instead I chose to take a nap which landed up being a very long one. It was another one of those firsts for me and my girls. Father's Day without their Dad was a lot tougher on me than I thought it would be. But the sleep I got in place of other things really helped me as I had been sleeping poorly for several days.

ETA: Lisa's paternal grandmother Edith called me today. She was told this morning about Steve. I had chose not to tell her when it happened because she had been doing so poorly health wise. I talked to her nephew last week and he told me he would let her know when he thought she could handle it. She just loved Steve and appreciated his taking such good care of her granddaughter. She was shocked and deeply saddened to hear about his accident.

Happy Father's Day to all the Dads...

Happy Fathers Day to all the Dads with an emphasis on the newest Dad in the family, Nate. Special wishes go out to the Dads in my family; my Dad, my brothers; Joe and Larry, my brothers-in-law; Michael and Raymond, my friends husbands; Rob, Alan, Bill and Allan. And more wishes go out to Steve's friends; Kelly, Marc, Dave, Phil, Glen and John.

ETA: I rode with Sarah, Nate and Cash to the Noodle where we met Lisa and Buck for lunch today. It is very strange to go to the restaurant and sit at the table without Steve. It makes me sad and then my family makes it better. Sarah wanted to go to see Steve after lunch, so they dropped me off at home as I was just not up for it, especially today. Lisa and Buck met them at the cemetery then stopped by before going home. My girl had been crying. I felt so bad for her and all I could do was hold her. We all miss him so much...

Pixie or Dixie???

Upon unloading a load of wash from my washer I discovered on the bottom of the tub a very dead mouse. Talk about grossing me out!! In the twenty years we have lived here I have never had this happen before. I always used to look in the tub to make sure I hadn't left any of the last load inside but since it was the first load I didn't look. I won't make that mistake again...

More hair...

I think my sweet little grandson Cash has more hair than his Uncle Buck. Don't you think? Lisa took this picture of them at Sarah's birthday party/barbeque. Okay, so one has more hair than the other but they both have very sweet personalities...

I have the BEST friends...

Janet called me yesterday and asked if I was busy this afternoon. I told her no and she said good. I will be by to pick you up around three-fifteen. She wouldn't tell me what we were doing though. She just said "Do you trust me?" Well, yea and that was it. She surprised me with a massage at Massage Envy!! Thanks to her, who let my friends know I had mentioned wanting one but not being able to afford it at this time. I am guessing that my friends had decided to pitch in and get this marvelous gift for me. Oh, it was heaven!! I think I am hooked...

All Things Fordyce...

I have been meaning for two days now to go get some strawberries and something always side tracks me. So I am doing that first thing tomorrow. Raymond's oldest child Graham has been sick for the last couple of days and today he was in so much pain he couldn't stand up. This evening he had his appendix out. And when talking to Sarah this afternoon about whether or not I would sell the Excursion she said no. "Mom it is paid for don't sell it." So I am keeping it at least for now. I am going to sell my Taurus and drive the Excursion till I find something I really like. She also told me I couldn't sell the cannon Steve made. Not because she wants to fire it but because her Dad made it. I guess I will be occasionally running into this situation with some of his stuff that the girls might want. Then Lisa managed to get hit in the head with a fixture at work. Hurt like the dickens and she wanted her "mommy". A day in the life...

He is...

The first and last thought of my day. Sometimes it is what gets me through the day and sometimes it just makes the day seem unbearably long and painful. I never know which one will greet me in the morning. Today it is the good feeling. I am off to Brooks Hardware to buy a new mailbox. They open at 7:30 and I want to get this done before the heat of the day. I didn't realize how many little things Steve did for me. Because I am vertically challenged, he used to get all the things down from the top shelves that I needed or wanted. He changed the smoke alarm batteries, the light bulbs and helped me take down the light covers so I could wash them every spring. He killed all the flying or crawling critters that got into my house because I am such "a girl" about this stuff. Looks like I am going to have to take care of this one myself but I have my sons-in-law to help me with all the others.

ETA: I came back from the hardware store a little melancholy. I chatted with Stan Welty about Steve. He gave his condolences and said he was so sad about what happened. He told me that Steve had just been in the store a couple of days before his accident. When I got home I just sat in the Excursion staring off at our place. I have no idea how long I sat there. Again, the sadness has hit me and I struggle to get away from it. On the upside the mailbox only cost me a hundred and seventy, thank goodness.

Now my damn Mailbox!!!

What else can possibly happen to me??? Last Thursday my toilet became stopped up. When I ran water in my sink or bathtub the toilet water gurgled! I had to call a plumber who found the plug was on the outside of the house and because the flush outs where up high in the basement he had to remove the toilet to run a snake to clear the plug. So, a half hour and a hundred dollars later everything was working again. Then this morning my neighbor comes by at just after nine to inform me that someone had pried open my mailbox. Yep, a steel box with a lock. It was destroyed and to replace it with the same is probably going to cost me about three hundred dollars. What kind of jerks do this???

Flight path

You can't escape the helicopters and the crop dusting here in the country. In the past I hardly noticed the small planes that flew over our house. It appears that we are on a flight path to and from somewhere thanks to McNary Field (Salem Airport). That has all changed. Sometimes it is all I can do to not cry and then I think of how much Steve enjoyed flying. I look at the sky at times and think to myself he would have loved the day because it would have been perfect for flying. Contrary to what people might think I don't hate small planes but I do have a different reaction to hearing them than I had in the past. The sound reminds me how much I love and miss him...

Pretty ladies...

I thank God every day for these three girls. Sometimes it is just plain hard to get a start on the day and then one of them will call or text me. We are just six weeks away from Sarah's wedding and I am feeling a little out of sorts. I know it is from not having Steve here to bounce ideas off of and to just chat about this wonderous event. I will need lots of strength because I will miss him terribly that day and I know my family and friends will provide it.

ETA: This photo was taken by my dear friend Camille at Sarah's shower. Sister of the bride Lisa, the bride and our dear friend and matron of honor, Julie.

She is twenty-two and a winner...

Though her birthday was on the second we celebrated yesterday. Nate barbecued hamburgers and hot dogs. It was kind of a potluck event with lots of good food. Including cake, thank you Aunt Chris, and strawberries, thank you Raymond and family!! Here she is playing croquet. It was her birthday gift from Nate. Can you guess that she won??