My Mommy...

She turned 80 today. And is celebrating the way she should, in Las Vegas with my Dad, my Uncle Robert and my cousin Denise. I may have to wire money...

Love you, Mom.

I took another big step today...

We (Lisa, Sarah, Nate and Cash) met at Capital Monument to order Steve's headstone. Loads of choices from the color of the stone, size, shape and the number of polished surfaces. We picked a blue granite in the shape that my mother-in-law chose for my father-in-law, it is a wedge of sorts. Sarah chose three letter fonts and we agreed on one of those. We are having a replica of a Piper Tri-Pacer engraved on it. It is definitely something everyone should plan for because it isn't cheap by any means. I am so glad that I have the money now to do this right and I know Steve would be very happy with our choices...

Early in the day...then the night.

I had a bit of hint that my day might not turn out so good. I watched Cash during the lunch hour today while Sarah worked at the Noodle. He is such a joy and certain facial expressions he has bring memories of his grandpa soaring into full view. I had to choke back the tears a couple of times. Even his hair color reminds me of Steven's. When I got home and settled in it didn't take too long for it to hit me full force. The ache can be so intense at times that even I am unprepared for how much. Is crying supposed to make you feel a certain release or relief? Well if it is, it ain't happening for me. I have spent the better part of the last five hours crying off and on. The ache is just as intense as it was the day Steve died and sometimes the loneliness is absolutely unbearable. I miss him so much that just being in the house makes me want to cry out in pain. All of his belongings just seem to haunt me at times and at others they give me comfort. I don't know what steps to take next, but totally understand why they say to not make any big decisions in your life for the first year...

It is beginning to feel like fall...

It is cooling down during the night and we are starting to have fog in the morning. So sometime soon I will be turning on my furnace. It was a battle between me and Steve about this time every year. It would get to about 65 degrees in the house and I wanted the furnace on. His answer put on another layer of clothes and I will start a fire. I won't be having those discussions anymore. Now I will turn on the furnace when I am ready.

Oregon, sweet Oregon...

We are having some of our liquid sunshine as I write this. I love the way air smells after a rain. Life's mysteries to me; why do you get more drenched with a light mist than a pouring down rain? I may have found the answer while not really looking for it. I noticed that I don't tend to rush to get out of the rain when there is a light mist, while I do when it is pouring. so it may not be a mystery after all...

How much more can a family take???

Last evening I received a text message from Lisa that was not good news. They had just received a call from Bucks parents telling them that his maternal grandmother was not doing well and that in fact it was just a matter of time. When I hear this a few days or even a few weeks comes to mind. But alas that was not to be, as he heard today that his grandmother had passed away in the wee hours of the morning. Lisa said she just doesn't think she can do another funeral as she is already emotionally spent. Boy, that has got to be the biggest understatement of the year...

ETA: This is a picture of Lisa and Buck with his parents and his grandmother taken at their wedding.

Without him...

We had finished watching the first half of last seasons "Battlestar Gallactica" and were looking forward to watching the end. It was the last season of the show and it had been on my Netflix list since it was released. I had moved it around on the list several times because I couldn't bear to watch it alone as it had become one of two shows we watched together. I finally watched it. The music for the show is quite unique which Steve and I both liked. When it started it gave me such an eerie and odd feeling. The sense of loneliness, sadness and emptiness all rolled into one. I cried off and on the whole time the opening credits played. I miss him so much....

Good news and bad news...

The good news: I had a meeting with my attorney this morning. My sweet sister-in-law Chris drove me. We had to drive to Hillsboro to meet him. She offered to drive, her car gets way better gas mileage and it is just the cutest Mini Cooper I have ever seen, so I said okay.

The attorney after looking over the papers I brought him told me that I had no worries about my being at risk for suit. Since I did not have my name on the plane or anything associated with it I was not responsible. The only thing that is in the estate is his plane insurance so that is the only thing they could go after. He also said things should have progressed a little further than they have so he said would push things along and make them happen. Thank goodness.

The bad news: I am still sick. Once we got back from the appointment I took some cold meds and slept most of the afternoon. Am I worried about sleeping tonight? Not a bit as I am still feeling icky...

First his mommy now me...

Cash has a nasty cold and has given it to his mommy. What a nice gift, huh? NOT. Especially now that his grandma has it. I started feeling kind of icky about four this afternoon and now my head is stuffed up, my throat is sore, I am coughing and I have a huge headache. Just wonderful...

ETA: I have an appointment with my attorney on Thursday morning to deal with the wrongful death claim that is being made against Steve's estate. I have a feeling I am not going to be doing so great, damn.

Breakdown in the driveway...

I found a pair of Steve's sunglasses in the Excursion. I just went to pieces. I sat in my driveway for a good ten minutes crying and decided I was in no shape to go anywhere so I went back into the house. It's hard to believe that sometime in the future this will get better...

One of my all time favorite photos...

It is such a close photo of Steve that it makes me want to reach into the screen and touch his face. This photo was taken by Sarah on their trip to California in 2006. It was the trip that included flying over Crater Lake and a trip to Castle Air Museum in Atwater. Steve arranged this trip to coincide with "open cockpit" day. One day a year, the last Sunday in May, they open the planes up for visitors to see inside. His plan was to take my Dad but our girls had already booked him for a Giants baseball game so my brother Tom went instead. Weather, the following two years prevented a return trip to take my Dad, this year was going to be that year...

ETA: Steve was flying N6931D at the time. He bought N9996D in October of the same year. I didn't realize that it had been two and half years since he had bought his plane until I looked at the record in his log book.

Five months...

It is so hard to believe that it has been five months since my dear Steve passed away, so much has happened since then. I woke at ten minutes to seven this morning which was weird. Because at the very same time five months ago he had left the house heading to Lusardi's to pick up Pam and fly to work. Oh, how I miss him...