Survived...

Yes, the holidays are almost behind us. In a little less than five hours a new year will be upon us. How is it that it is almost 2011? Steve and I had decided to ring in 2010 with special plans. It just doesn't seem possible that a whole year has passed already. I am hoping for new and better things ahead for all of my loved ones.

I know I keep saying I am going to post some pictures of my grandson but you know how life gets in the way of plans. Maybe my next post...

Tornado in Aumsville...

In the small town of Aumsville at just a little before noon a tornado touched down. This town is just about twenty minutes drive from me. Looking at the pictures on the news it totally amazes me that someone did not get hurt. Our Lord was watching out for a good many people today.

Keeping up...

Or I should say trying to keep up. Thanksgiving was fun, nobody took pictures. :(  Oh well, it just works out that way sometimes. Have had a nasty sinus infection for about a week. Had to get meds and now I am starting to feel much better. Trying to get my Christmas cards done but I keep getting sidetracked. Mailed off a package to California this morning and got a couple of gifts crossed off my list but still have a bunch more to do. Where are those darn "elves" that are supposed to help out??

It happened...

We got snow. Not much really, about an inch but the temperature has dropped significantly. It was 27 degrees when I woke this morning. Biggest fear about driving on the roads is the icy conditions. According to the weather people it isn't going to get above freezing till Thursday and will drop into the teens tonight. I worry about my kids driving in this stuff. All went to work of course, and because Cash has taken a turn for the worse I am babysitting today. I will post pictures if I can get time to take them.

Snow....

They say we will be getting snow to the valley floor. I am not a big fan of snow. I have never hidden that fact from my family. So it is no surprise to them when I roll my eyes at them when they chant "two feet, two feet" when they hear it might snow. Most of the people in this state do not know how to drive in it and therefore make it extremely dangerous for those who do. I am not unsympathetic to those who have to drive because of their jobs but really if you don't have to be out there stay home. Play in the snow in your yard. Re-acquaint yourself with your family, play games or read a good book. If you have to be out in it be careful, drive slow and be safe...

Losing that 'baby' look...

It has happened. My grandson has lost that baby look. It is so hard to believe that he will be two years old on Sunday. I wish his grandpa could see what a handsome little charmer he has become. 
He started daycare today and it didn't go so well. Apparently he cried for two hours non-stop for his momma this morning and then repeated the same thing late this afternoon. Sarah is feeling really bad about this. I 'so' remember feeling this way when I took Lisa to daycare the first time. Sarah was fortunate that I was able to stay home with her for the most part. I wish I could be of comfort for her at this time.

Today

Steve would have been 51 years old. It just doesn't seem possible that this is the second birthday without him. Loving and missing him as always...

Life...

It just keeps getting more and more weird all the time. A local Salem scrapbook store owner was arrested recently for providing the police with a false name. Turns out she has been living under another assumed name for the last twenty years or so. How do people think they can get away with this kind of stuff???

Sadness sets in once again...

Annette's family is now preparing to memorialize her brother-in-law. They found Arlie's body not too far from where he went into the water last week. How I grieve for Jenny and her children. The girls and I know all too well what this feels like. Both of the girls said they wanted to desperately hug their daddy and I do too...

Last weekend

I had a great time with a bunch of wonderful ladies. Reconnected with some that I hadn't seen in quite awhile and others that I had seen just a couple of weeks ago. We had a "comfort" food potluck on Friday which was really good. Emese did the food for the rest of the weekend and wow it was yummy. Another big event will be happening in February and we are already signed up. Should be loads of fun once again.

Pink Crop Event

It is happening at Running with Scissors in Independence this weekend. I will be spending it with Camille and a bunch of amazing creative ladies. Some of these gals I have not seen a quite awhile so it should be loads of fun. I am actually packed and ready to go. I am hoping to be on the road by five but we shall see...

Slow start...

The morning started out slow but it has picked up. Lots to do so that I will be ready for the 'Pink Crop' event at Running with Scissors this weekend.
Starting to struggle with my grief again. I visited Steve this morning and I had a major breakdown. I long to put my arms around him and to feel his beard on my face when I kiss him. Is this ever going to get easier?

Homework...

I purchased the software program Photo Shop Elements and I am taking a class to help me better understand its workings. I should have spent time working on getting to know the software this past week but life got in the way. So now I am going to attempt to get a little time at it before class this evening...

ETA: I learned some really cool stuff tonight and can hardly wait to use these features!!!

The decision has been made...

I want to thank my children, my mother-in-law, my friends and Steve's pilot friends who helped me make this decision. At first I wasn't sure what to do but once I talked with all of you and realized that the choice really was an easy one. I slept better last night than I have in a really long time, so I know that I made the right choice.

Now all I have to do is notify my attorney. I need to talk to Rob Lusardi first and let him know why I have made this decision. He is the husband of the passenger that was flying with Steve at the time of the accident. I have not talked to him since attorneys got involved in this whole thing. I just thought it more safe that way. But now that the estate is just about to close it is time for me to move on.

I had not realized that I was stuck in my grief. My house is a complete disaster. Getting things organized will help make cleaning my house easier but also get my life back. I need to move on but it is so hard. I miss and want him back so badly that at times all I do is sit and stare out the window wondering 'what if'. It is a dangerous place to be and I want out.

It all started with this, then ended with this...

It has been complete craziness since. It consumed time, money but provided countless hours of enjoyment for Steve. The intent was to shave hours off Steve's commute every week so that he could spend more time at home. Yea, didn't really work out that way. When the time finally became available he used it for recreational flying, which was a great stress reducer for him. Sarah said it best in her eulogy to her dad. He became a complete person once he learned to fly. He was passionate about flying like he was about everything else he loved in his life. Little did we know that it would later cause me so much grief.


The NTSB have yet to finish their investigation into the accident. I think the longer it takes the more likely we are to never really know what happened. There are a few theories on what may have happened. It depends on who you talk to what scenario may have occurred. As it sits now the estate of the passenger is planning on suing the manufacturer of the carburetor. They believe the accident was caused by 'carb ice', my attorney hasn't bought into that theory. A couple of Steve's pilot buddies believe that they ran into surface icing conditions when they were trying to climb out of the terrain. Which caused their gyro instruments to slowly stop working and as the gyro horizon leaned over they just followed. It then explains why several of the 'eye' witnesses heard the planes engine rev up before the crash. This scenario makes much more sense. 

Because there is a two year window where you can sue the attorneys have asked if I want to join in the lawsuit. It will be costly and probably lengthy too. I am going to talk to my girls and get their input. But the more I look at this the more I find it distasteful. I just want this to end.

Warm yesterday...

Cool and wet today. Yep, weather in the Northwest. This time of year you need to dress for what the current weather conditions are and be able to adapt for the change that will occur. When I first moved here I thought I would never like it. I was hundreds of miles from my family in California. I barely knew my 'new' family and I was extremely homesick.

Then school started and I met more wonderful people than I could have imagined. The pace of life was so much more laid back. Oh, and the drivers way more courteous and aware. But the weather conditions in the winter were scary at times. I had never driven in the snow let alone black ice and the constant wet weather was depressing. I found that I had to make some mental adjustments if I was to survive. 

I learned to drive in the snow and to avoid driving when there was black ice. I found hobbies that kept me occupied when the weather would depress me. I also rediscovered my love of reading. So there were plenty of trips to the library for Sarah and I while Lisa was in school. We also took advantage of the bookmobile that stopped at the school every three weeks. I strongly believe that this was when Sarah developed her love of reading.

Steve's family made the transition easier too. They didn't just get together for birthday's and holidays they enjoyed spending time together. So we frequently did dinner at his folks and played games. The game of choice was pinochle. I had never played before so I got a crash course and learned to play. I still struggle with it but I have lots of fun. We taught the girls to play but they were never keen on the game. I think it was because Steve was determined to play as a family and he could get pretty intense playing. Not a lot of fun for us 'newbies'. 

Then I thought I didn't have enough hobbies and got into scrapbooking. Oh boy, it hooked me and took over. I absolutely love it. Not only because I am preserving memories but because I have made some of best friends I could ever wish to have. These ladies are smart, creative, loyal and loads of fun. They along with my family became my rock when Steve passed away. 

Sometimes I think that saying 'thank you' is never enough. I want you all know that "I love you" and always will...

More sadness...

There was a tragic car accident here in town yesterday afternoon. Three students at Chemeketa Community College were in a cross walk at the college when they were hit by a car. A 16-year-old boy was killed instantly, an 18-year-old girl was Life Flighted to Emmanual Legacy and another 18-year-old boy was taken to Salem Hospital. The girl has since passed away and the boy at Salem Hospital is in critical condition. The driver, a 29-year-old woman was arrested last night and initially charged with one count of first degree manslaughter, two counts of second degree assault and driving under the influence. No doubt, these charges will change now that the second student has died.

I just received a call from my mother-in-law informing me that the 16-year-old boy was the eldest son of one of Michael's former workers. Words can not express how sad we all feel for Francisco, Valentina and the rest of his family. May the dear Lord watch over them.

ETA: Correction to my post. The students were not college students but were of  Winema High School that is located on the college campus. According to the paper the boys name was Francisco.

Facebook...

Yes, I am addicted. I love some of the games but even more so being able to keep up with family and friends. I have made contact with some high school friends, made new friends thanks to other friends, plus I have been able to get in touch with family that are hundreds of miles away. How can you not love it???

Okay, there is always something that would be a buzz kill to the fun. It has a downside and that is; it is time consuming. Time that should be better spent. Damn.

PS: And right now the website is having major issues and you can't log on. Double damn.

A week later...

The cough is still here but a lot better in terms of intensity. I still get tired pretty easily but that too has improved. I think Cash may have a new 'germ' he may be passing around but Sarah says no. "Mom! All little kids run around with their noses running. He is fine." She is probably right and it is just my 'grandma' genes kicking in.

I received a letter from my attorney yesterday that says the estate of the passenger in the plane crash is pursuing legal action against the carburetor manufacturer and wants to know if I want to join in the lawsuit. The opinion of the 'expert' they called in to look at the wreckage says he believes 'carb ice' to be the cause of the accident based on what he saw and on the statements of an eyewitness. My attorney isn't sure that this is the entire cause. I have questions and I will be calling him tomorrow to see what he thinks.

Day No. 7

And I don't feel much better. The cough is loosening up and my fever has finally gone away thank goodness. It looks like the cough is going to be around for awhile. I noticed Cash was sick a couple of weeks before I got it and he still is coughing. Great.

On the better news Buck took out the old stereo/surround system I had and put in my new one. The back speakers aren't hooked up yet but it sounds good. The old system still worked but the new television I got is what necessitated the change. Old and new technology didn't quite work together. The jury is still out on the DVD player as I have had to do everything (play and eject0 manually as my remote is not working. We thought the TV one would do the trick but it doesn't. We would probably have realized it if we had tried it last night but it was pretty late and the kids needed to get home. Hannah still needed to be taken out for her walk before bed time.

Day No. 4

And I am only getting worse. I remember the last time I was this sick Sarah was just a little baby. It was at the same time of year too. I was so sick my mom had to come and take care of her and 'me' for a day. Wonder if I could get my 'mommy' to come here???

The Crawfords like to share...

It is a nasty cold. It started with Cash and he shared it with his daddy then his mommy. Now it looks as though I have it too. My throat is so sore and my head is pounding. Damn.

Another sad day...

I had to find Princess a new home. My previous encounters with pets had given me a plugged head and/or runny nose and she did not, so I thought I was in the clear. Then I started to break out in hives. All contact areas where she touched bare skin left me in welts. So I had to give her up. She has gone to a nice home in Corvallis. The couple have a young daughter, a couple of small dogs and live on five acres. They have a fenced in yard for the dogs and a doggy door. It looks like I have found her a good home. I miss her.

I do...

Were the words Steve and I said to each other twenty-four years ago today. So why does it seem like it was yesterday? Missing him something fierce as always but especially today. I keep thinking of all the things we had planned on doing with our children now that they have families of their own. Camping was high on the list. We even bought a 27-foot travel trailer that sleeps seven with the hopes of spending lots of family time together. Now I have a trailer that I can't use and because the estate is just now in the final stages of becoming final it looks to sit for another year. Because who buys camping trailers at this time of the year?

She...

Is a mini dachshund. She is hyper (is that normal?), wants to love on everyone that comes into my house or is in close proximity to her, and is chewing on everything in sight. Bought the 'bitter apple' product and that seems to be working. But I would have to douse Cash in the stuff to stop her from nipping him. It annoys him to the point that he takes swings at her with his hand mostly. But I worry that he will one day hit her with some larger and likely to hurt. Today, I finally separated them by putting her in the kennel most of the day. She whined, he whined and I got an enormous headache. What in the world was I thinking when I agreed to bring her home with me. She is lovable, has a sweet disposition and is good company but has her downsides. Still misses the puppy pad when she 'poos' and though I have gotten bigger pads she still does it. I believe it is due to her length and the fact that she can't judge how far back her legs are in relation to the front ones. I also now have to get a sitter when I am away from the house any length of time. This is just like having a child. Her name is Princess.

A change...

In the weather is happening. The hot weather trend or heat wave is over. It actually started cooling down sooner than they had predicted. The worry of course is thunderstorms in the mountains that can cause fires. Everything is so dry right now that it wouldn't take much to start a major one. I do have to say that I am enjoying the 'calm' before the storm. The wind has literally stopped and the sky has taken on that look it gets before a summer rain. I love the smell of the air after a summer rain.

Feeling guilty

I haven't been to visit Steve since last Sunday. I am tied up with making some patterns and then the heat has made me not want to leave the house. I have Cash today and tomorrow so I will have to wait till Wednesday since by then the heat wave will have subsided and I can take some flowers too.

Longing...

It is the word Sarah used in her blog today to describe how she felt. I hadn't really used a good descriptive word to say how I feel about my current state of mind. She found it. I do 'long' to have more time with Steve. I feel it so deeply at times that it hurts to even breathe. I am just two weeks away from spending a second wedding anniversary without him. Unless you have experienced the loss of a spouse there is no way you can understand how this feels. The ache seeps into your very being and at times it is such a struggle to get on with the day.

So I force myself to remember what blessings I do have and it helps. The dear Lord knows that I didn't always make the wisest choices in life. So when I decided to start making them, he put Steve in my path. I resisted, I had been married before and it didn't end well. But Steve persisted and only God knows why. Steve gave me a wonderful married life for twenty-two years which he filled with love and laughter. I am so grateful to have my daughters and their families. To have Steve's family who are without a doubt simply the best.

So to my family and friends I say this; "Be grateful, thankful and forgiving because you never know what the future holds.

Contemplating...

Something I thought I would never ever do. That is get a tattoo. Both of my girls have gotten tribute tattoos for their dad and they speak volumes. I want mine simple and yet a combination of what they both had done. It involves a heart at least, just not sure whether I want Steve's initials or the number of his plane to be a part of this. I think I will get input from them...

Things you dread...

As a mom or a grandma there are always things you wish you could do different. They are usually things that are everyday occurrences that you do and give no second thought to at all. For instance closing your front door with your infant inside and you realize you have locked yourself out. Closing your car door with your sleeping infant in her car seat and you spot the keys on the dash. Or like this morning, made myself a cup of coffee and put it on the table with the handle facing the edge. Cash has only recently started handing me things that he has taken off the table, like my water bottle or my portable phone. This morning he chose to grab the coffee cup handle and spilled hot coffee all over including on himself. Thank goodness Sarah is a very together mom because I freaked. He was mildly red on the spot that the coffee hit him and was only crying mostly due to my reaction. I cleaned up the spilled coffee while Sarah consoled Cash. Then she wiped and mopped the floor.

An incentive to really cleaning off my dining room table now. I have to reprint my class homework assignments. I also noticed that my class book has coffee on some of the pages and the dividers. Dang it.

Another thing coffee, eats the finish off a table if you don't get cleaned up fast...

Happy as a clam....

My oh so smart and determined Sarah has fixed my internet access problem. I am now using my brand new laptop to surf the web. Which means I will also be hitting the itunes website here soon to download some new music. Yippee....

Finally

It is starting to cool down. It was only in the mid-eighties today. I had Cash also as Sarah was covering a shift for Caitlyn who was going to a wedding today. Cash and I had a blast as usual. We played catch with his stuffed Buzz Lightyear. Amazing what can entertain a nineteen month old toddler.

His favorite holiday...

It was our second one without Steve. At times like these it is so hard to put into words how much my heart aches for him. I miss the sound of his voice, his laugh and especially his hugs. I miss his crazy propensity to blow things up, especially this time of year.

I chose to do something different for the 4th this year by attending a party at a dear friends. I had a great time meeting new people and visiting old friends too. Great food, laughs and fireworks over the river. What more could a person ask for? A seat by a window on the third floor out of the cold is where I sat with Princess...

Nasty cold

It appears that Cash and I found a particularly nasty germ. So we shared it. Poor little guy. He is miserable and so am I. So soup and plenty of fluids are the order of the day. Hopefully it won't last too long. I hate it when he is sick.

Convinced...

Everyday that I read Sarah's blog I am convinced that she was a writer in a previous life. I tell her she should not squander her talent and she should write a book. I went so far as to tell her that she could be her generations "Jen Lancaster". She just laughs and tells me that I say that because I am biased. Yea, a little but she is one darn talented gal.

All mixed up...

Having spent the better part of the last couple of days looking through Steve's desk in search of software I am running the gamut of emotions. Missing him like crazy is at the top of the list. My trip to the cemetery today was a very emotional one. I knew it was going to be a tough one when I started crying before I even got there. I keep wondering if it will ever get better.

So as I continue the search for the missing software. And it has been a real eye opener. Music cd's in many of the drawers, DVD's, manuals, software, oodles of back up disks, random cables, various memory cards, hard drives, printer ink, stamps, vitamins, etc. No rhyme or reason as near as I can tell. Now I have boxes of various sizes littering the office. Now it really looks like a bomb went off in here. Geez...

So done...

I am ready for the sunshine, already!! Someone please talk to mother nature...

Mulan...

It is Cash's 'new' favorite movie. He literally goes into a trance watching it. This is one of two pictures that I actually got him to look at the camera. The little stinker wouldn't look in his grandma's direction...

Steve,

I am tired of the quiet in our house, having no one to have meals with, no one to snuggle with, no one to enjoy movies with and no one to tell about my day. I miss you so much...

Need an intervention...

I am so overwhelmed with my house that I get discouraged and stop clearing out stuff. HELP!? I have several friends that have already offered to help me but I don't know where to start. My biggest problem is where to put things temporarily while I sort through stuff. The biggest starting point is Steve's office. I get a real energy and start working at it then wham; memories just start making it impossible to finish. Oh how I miss him...

Things that go missing...

First it was my GPS, then my saving account book and then my phone yesterday. After having torn the house apart last Thursday night I gave up looking for the GPS. Lisa found it Monday night in the one place I was sure it wasn't, my car. Found my phone late last night after having called it numerous times and didn't hear it. Yea, I had stopped looking. But I have to find my saving account book and I am not going to stop looking for it. Damn, I hate getting old...

Happy Mother's Day

To my mom, mother-in-law Norma, (all of my) aunts, sisters-in-law and my girl Sarah. Hope it is a good one.

Wow...

A week has already passed and this is the first time I thought about blogging. Lots of things have happened since my last post. I spent the weekend with some fabulous ladies scrapbooking at the Shilo. I started the weekend watching Cash on Friday and ended the weekend watching him too as Sarah was needed at the Burger.
Sarah and Nate's restaurant was picked as the best new restaurant in the Statesman Journal's "Best of the Mid-Willamette Valley" readers poll. The winners were announced in the paper Sunday morning so you can imagine what the day was like. Sarah and Janet were both with us at the Shilo when the "boys" sent out the 'bat signal' which meant they were needed at the restaurant. Turns out it was busy but under control, to say the least the girls were mad at having been pulled away from their get away weekend. Also because of the article it appears as though business has really picked up at both the Burger and the Noodle. This IS good in light of the economy. Very happy for the entrepreneurs...

The boy has an arm....

It is possible that my grandson is a future baseball player. Cash has started throwing his toys at anyone who will play catch. Today, a small car went sailing over the couch and onto the dining room table. Good thing I stepped to one side at that same time or he probably would have hit me in the head. How do you tell them that it isn't okay to throw things, yet you let them throw a ball to play catch. I am sure he is completely confused.

Another thing to go with throwing a ball, he actually winds up...

Another ...

Anniversary that we wish we didn't have to have. My dear sweet grandma Lucille passed away a year ago. It just doesn't seem possible that a year has passed. We miss her sarcastic wit, her often biting remarks and her smile. Yet I have not to go far to see her as she rests in piece by my father-in-law Bob and my dear Steven. If I want a close up encounter all I have to do is visit Sarah. She has so much of her great-grandma in her not to mention she resembles grandma a lot. I know that my mother-in-law Norma, her sisters; Shirley and Mary, and her brothers; Larry and Joe miss her too. Big hugs go out to all of you...

ETA: I took Norma to dinner along with Raymond and his family tonight. Mostly to honor Grandma Lucille but also to give Norma some family time. We ate at Ixtapa in Silverton, very good food and service for very reasonable prices.

Remodel...

Has started. My brother-in-law Raymond and his oldest boy removed the trim and paneling from the south wall in my dining room. His plan is scrape off the old wallpaper we found under the paneling and patch, tape and add texture to the wall. Seems like a lot of work. My other brother-in-law Mike suggested, as did Buck, we cover it with 1/4" drywall then tape and texture. In the meantime Mike and Chris have removed the old windows and replaced them with double pane vinyls. They look so good!!

I am such a grandma...

Why? Because I think my grandson just keeps getting cuter all the time. All I want to do when he gets here is squeeze him to pieces and smother him with kisses.

My new rig...

My brother-in-law Mike stopped by Easter morning. He wasn't too interested in the inside of the car as much as he wanted to look at the engine. His comment, "Do you realize you now have five cars in your driveway"? Leave it to him to state the obvious, but it was hysterical just the same. In my defense two of the cars are not only not road worthy but are tied up in Steve's estate. I am not selling the Excursion but will be selling the Taurus. Have to get her cleaned up and emptied of all my accumulated "crap" that is in the trunk. These are the best photos I could get at the time as I was dodging rain showers. Will have post some better ones later.

My Easter bunny...

Who could resist such a cute face? Certainly not his grandma. I have to admit I was a tad disappointed that he wasn't more excited about his Easter basket. Sarah said he was the same way at home. Oh well, at least the adults in this family enjoyed their chocolate bunnies...

It just can't be...

A whole year since I lost my dear sweet Steve. So many things are the same and yet different. Christmas, still loads of fun here and at the "Fordyce's" yet his presence was needed. At the annual coast trip same thing; loads of good food, laughter and fun yet he was missed dearly. I can say it over and over how much we loved and miss him. Among the many things I miss are photo ops working in the yard/garden or like this one bringing home new piglets. His mere presence was always so comforting, I felt so safe. The things I don't miss; plenty of those too. Let's see tea mugs everywhere, talk radio, clothing covered in grass clippings and smelly pigs. Though he loved having the piglets they were a lot of work and were not my favorite. I also know that my dear neighbors aren't mourning the loss of the critters either as the pig pen was just fifty feet from their bedroom windows. His tractor is gone, the riding lawn mower is now at Sarah and Nate's and his Supra has been sold. Yet, I can still feel him here. I miss you, love...

Missing him...

Whoever said that with time the pain will lesson apparently never experienced the loss of a mate or child. Though miscarriages are a difficult loss, they don't quite follow the same scenario. Since I know this first hand I can say that particular pain did lessen but I also had given birth to two babies already and I had never had the chance to hold that baby in my arms. Steve and I were together for almost twenty-five years and yet it didn't seem like it at times. I won't say that our marriage was perfect because we all know that marriage takes a lot of work and its constantly changing and challenging, we still had a good one. Soon we will be approaching one of the last "firsts", the first anniversary of his accident. The pain and loneliness is still a constant. I will never stop missing him...

His playmate...grandpa???

I discovered yesterday that Cash has a playmate. Not one we can see but one he definitely acknowledges. My grandmother used to say it was the guardian angels of the babies that watched over and played with them. Being a bit skeptical I just nodded my head when she told this to me. But I witnessed it first hand while playing catch with Cash yesterday. In the midst of chasing after the ball he turned around and looked up and past me. He did a little of his baby talk and then proceeded to throw the ball. I caught it and then threw it back though this time he picked up the ball looked to the right of where I was, and repeated his previous chatting then threw the ball in the direction he was looking. He then proceeded to chase down the ball, and the whole time he was giggling and laughing. He repeated this several times but at no time was he ever facing me. This can be explained away by many but I believe he was playing catch with his grandpa...

He wasn't perfect...

But he was as close as you could get. He loved his family fiercely. He would drop what he was doing in a heartbeat to run to the aid of his mother, brothers, daughters or friends. He was also a big procrastinator when it came to things here in the house. The property got improvements like a fenced in pasture, a pig pen, and plumbing to the various places in the yard that needed it. But the new door to my attic, the window fix on the dormer window or fixing the plumbing stuff in the bathroom still are waiting for him. Now my dear brother-in-law Mike has offered to take care of this stuff. How many ways can you say thank you to a family as wonderful as the one I married into...

Baby, Baby Einstein to Boy!

The first photo I took was at the end of August last year. The "Einstein" look was just after the new year and the last photo was taken the week we went to the coast. Cash has grown so fast and now with the new hair cut he doesn't look like a baby anymore...

Annual Fordyce family coast trip

I just got back from our annual trip to the coast with the family. It was one of another "firsts" as it was without my beloved Steve. The first night was the hardest for me and my brother-in-law Craig. Not hearing Steve's voice or his laughter was very upsetting to say the least but as the weekend wore on it got easier. It still is hard for me to believe that eleven months have passed since his accident.

The photo I have posted it here is one I took from a previous anniversary trip Steve and I made to Pacific City. We stayed at the Inn at Cape Kiwanda and this was taken off the balcony, Haystack Rock is to the right. I had to include a picture because I still haven't edited the pictures I took so it will be a bit before I post them. But be warned I only took a few and they were mostly of my 'very' cute grandson and his cousins...

Always learning...

Everyday it is something new. Yesterday I learned that the government requires estates to have a federal tax id number. What in heavens name for was my first reaction. Then it occurred to me that they want to make sure that money left in the estate is taxed. What bastards. The money is already taxed to death when you earn it. They want to make sure anybody who inherits from the estate is reported, so they can tax the money again only at a higher rate. It is no small wonder why one of the political parties wants to lower if not get rid of the inheritance tax. It is just a shame that it isn't the party that is running the country right now...

Yesterday...

It was the couch, today it was my coffee table pretty soon no place will be safe from my grandson...

And the fun begins...

Cash finally managed to get on the couch by himself. I thought I was tired before but oh boy...

Visiting him...

I couldn't do it on Valentine's Day so I went to visit Steve today. I have discovered two things. One, I can't do it without breaking down and two, I do need the anti-depressants. I thought I would be able to work this through without them but it has become blatantly obvious that I can't. It is very hard to lose a child due to a miscarriage this I know because I have experienced it but I have no idea how it is to lose one you have had with and near you for many years. So my heart aches for my dear mother-in-law. We do share a grief that we both have experienced and that is losing our husbands. Missing our 'life' partners is an ache I cannot even describe. It isn't just the quietness of your home, or having no one to snuggle with on cold nights. It is also having no one to have your meals with, to tell about your day or share all the fun stuff you did with your grandchild. We planned to spend a lot of time camping with the kids and their families. Now I have a travel trailer and no desire to even get near it. I hear with time people cope better but it is just a few weeks away from being a year and it hurts just as much as it did the day it happened.

Valentine's Day

We were supposed to go away for a romantic weekend to make up for not doing anything last Valentine's Day, so this one is exceptionally bittersweet. I am missing my husband so much. Take the time to tell your loved ones that you love them...

Wishing a Happy Valentine's Day to all of my friends and family.

Tears...

They fall at the least expected moments. It continues to catch me off guard. Music he loved, his handwriting, his shirts hanging in the closet or that stupid cast iron skillet he made his omelets in. Some days I wish I never got out of bed...

Ten months...

It just doesn't seem possible that Steve has been gone that long. There are still things not settled when it comes to his estate. One thing for sure, what money there was is all gone now. And 'Pedro' has been paid off and the bank is notifying the FAA according to a letter I received in the mail. Like it makes a difference to them. Sheesh...

Mrs. Steven Fordyce...forever...

According to the FAA that is not my legal name. I received a notice saying I had to resubmit the information about the plane because I signed the document as Mrs. Steven Fordyce. That is my name and as far as I am concerned it always will be, what twits...

I have a cold...

This is the icing on the cake. I received letters from the estate attorney and the attorney representing me, asking about Steve's log books this past week. The estate is ready to close but the passengers' attorneys are wanting to see the log books before they settle with the insurance company. I have been told not to worry because Steve was meticulous about his plane and books but that doesn't stop me. Till this matter is settled we can not close the estate. This just holds up a bunch of things that I need to do. Why does this have to drag on so?

ETA: I mailed off the books to my attorney on Friday. Hopefully this will bring all of this to an end. Still haven't heard from the FAA since the last week in April.

The end results...

I hadn't had my eyebrows done for several weeks and so yesterday when I had them done I knew my skin would be a little red today. That was an understatement. Then today was one of 'those' days so my face was red and blotchy all over with swollen eyes. The end results of an on and off again crying spree. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed...

November 21, 2009

On that day he took my breath away. He stole his grandparents hearts and he continues to fill mine with so much love. I am so grateful to have Cash in my life, filling the void that his grandpa left. His mere presence is so comforting. Thank you Sarah and Nate for giving me a wonderful grandbaby...

Missing him...

There are no words...

Happy New Year!!!

At least I hope it's going to be for everyone. Not the way I had planned on bringing in the new year but it was still really good. Lisa and Buck came over made dinner then we played Monopoly till after 1AM. We rang in the new year with hugs, kisses and alcohol... yippee!!!