My sweet little grandson has moved on to food and loves it. Not that this surprises anyone as he is just like his dad and granddad. Though along with the food comes the tummy distress as it works on dealing with something other than breast milk. He seems to get a little cranky because of it just like the rest of us. He has such a sweet disposition and knows that he has his grandmas number. Okay I am a pushover for him but this doesn't surprise me as I was for both of my girls too...
We buried Grandma Lucille. The service was very different from Steve's in that it was very hard to understand the priest who said the mass. His English wasn't very good. The turnout was smaller and more strained but that was due to the undercurrent of bad feelings that have existed since Aunt Cheryl put Grandma into Brookstone. You would think that the death of a dear one would make a person more contrite and be willing to mend fences but nope it didn't happen. All I can do is pray for Aunt Cheryl...
If I will be able to handle another funeral. Grandma Lucilles funeral will be at St. Josephs, the same church where we held Steves. My heart just aches and some days it seems like it will get easier then I am hit with reality. The kind that says Steves estate will probably be sued and I could lose my home. I also know that this could take up to a year and a half and this limbo just scares me.
She left us to be with our Lord. We know that she is finally at peace, has no more pain and is with my father-in-law Bob and my sweet Steve. It was so hard to see her so frail and unable to care for herself. Getting old is a wretched thing to happen to the body and the mind. I will miss you, dearest Grandma. Please take good care of Steve and Bob...
While life goes on about me at what seems like supersonic speed I take it one day at a time. I gave my first class yesterday since Steve's passing. It was strange. I turned my phone volume down as I always do so that when my phone rang it wouldn't interrupt my class. All the while thinking that if he calls me it will have to wait till class is over to take care of what ever it is he needs. It was an instant thought and then the realization hit me, he wasn't going to do that anymore. I know I will have moments like this for a long time but they are still hard to deal with. I stayed to work on my next months classes and I found out there are still ladies that had not heard about Steve. So the condolences continue and tears still flow like crazy...
This isn't about the grief. It is about getting on with your life. For the last week I have kind of walked around in a fog. Existing, is what I would call it but yesterday I had to be yanked back into reality. My taxes were due and I hadn't finished printing them, let alone figure out how I was going to pay them. So by the time I did that and figured out what I could afford short term it was after ten last night and I found myself driving to the post office shortly after that. My company for the night was my dear friend Mary so she was yanked into my reality and went along for the ride. The FAA has been calling for various reasons. They now want Steve's log books and on advice from a couple of his friends I have contacted an attorney. I need to make sure that whatever they do it will not jeopardize his life insurance. Now I need to get some bills paid, this is not going to be fun...
His mere presence gives me hope. I look in his eyes and I see his grandpa Steve. I know at sometime down the road it will get better but for now I settle on taking it hour by hour. Cash has become a bit of a refuge too. I hold him in my arms and I feel peace, even if he is screaming like a mad banshee. Sarah has added fruits and veggies to his diet. Which is a good thing because he was nursing every couple of hours and was still a cranky gus. She said last night that she fed him and he was a happy camper all evening. Yep, I am thinking his mommy was starving him. :)
Holidays without him. I made my "rum" cake for Easter to take to Chris and Mikes'. I need this to be a 'normal' day but it is so far from it. I worry that I won't remember what his voice sounded like, how he smelled after a shower and how his hugs felt to me. And why does it have to hurt so much?
Of my life were April 1st, the day I lost my dear Steven and April 7th, the day we laid him to rest next to his dad. Steve was a wonderful husband, dad, son, brother and grandpa. Most of you know how he died, doing what he loved best, flying. I still can not put into words how this feels. Surreal, a bad dream and any other that would fit is what comes to mind right now. How am I going to make it without him, I do not know. Right now Lisa and Sarah are making sure I am never alone. They make sure they are here or one of my many "dear" friends come and stay with me. They don't know how much this means to me. Though I struggle with wanting some alone time, I know that is not wise right now. This is so difficult to write as of this moment but I need to do it. I miss him so much...
His mere presence gives me hope. I look in his eyes and I see his grandpa Steve. I know at sometime down the road it will get better but for now I settle on taking it hour by hour. Cash has become a bit of a refuge too. I hold him in my arms and I feel peace, even if he is screaming like a mad banshee. Sarah has added fruits and veggies to his diet. Which is a good thing because he was nursing every couple of hours and was still a cranky gus. She said last night that she fed him and he was a happy camper all evening. Yep, I am thinking his mommy was starving him. :)
Of my life were April 1st, the day I lost my dear Steven and April 7th, the day we laid him to rest next to his dad. Steve was a wonderful husband, dad, son, brother and grandpa. Most of you know how he died, doing what he loved best, flying. I still can not put into words how this feels. Surreal, a bad dream and any other that would fit is what comes to mind right now. How am I going to make it without him, I do not know. Right now Lisa and Sarah are making sure I am never alone. They make sure they are here or one of my many "dear" friends come and stay with me. They don't know how much this means to me. Though I struggle with wanting some alone time, I know that is not wise right now. This is so difficult to write as of this moment but I need to do it. I miss him so much...