Feeling guilty

I haven't been to visit Steve since last Sunday. I am tied up with making some patterns and then the heat has made me not want to leave the house. I have Cash today and tomorrow so I will have to wait till Wednesday since by then the heat wave will have subsided and I can take some flowers too.

Longing...

It is the word Sarah used in her blog today to describe how she felt. I hadn't really used a good descriptive word to say how I feel about my current state of mind. She found it. I do 'long' to have more time with Steve. I feel it so deeply at times that it hurts to even breathe. I am just two weeks away from spending a second wedding anniversary without him. Unless you have experienced the loss of a spouse there is no way you can understand how this feels. The ache seeps into your very being and at times it is such a struggle to get on with the day.

So I force myself to remember what blessings I do have and it helps. The dear Lord knows that I didn't always make the wisest choices in life. So when I decided to start making them, he put Steve in my path. I resisted, I had been married before and it didn't end well. But Steve persisted and only God knows why. Steve gave me a wonderful married life for twenty-two years which he filled with love and laughter. I am so grateful to have my daughters and their families. To have Steve's family who are without a doubt simply the best.

So to my family and friends I say this; "Be grateful, thankful and forgiving because you never know what the future holds.

Contemplating...

Something I thought I would never ever do. That is get a tattoo. Both of my girls have gotten tribute tattoos for their dad and they speak volumes. I want mine simple and yet a combination of what they both had done. It involves a heart at least, just not sure whether I want Steve's initials or the number of his plane to be a part of this. I think I will get input from them...

Things you dread...

As a mom or a grandma there are always things you wish you could do different. They are usually things that are everyday occurrences that you do and give no second thought to at all. For instance closing your front door with your infant inside and you realize you have locked yourself out. Closing your car door with your sleeping infant in her car seat and you spot the keys on the dash. Or like this morning, made myself a cup of coffee and put it on the table with the handle facing the edge. Cash has only recently started handing me things that he has taken off the table, like my water bottle or my portable phone. This morning he chose to grab the coffee cup handle and spilled hot coffee all over including on himself. Thank goodness Sarah is a very together mom because I freaked. He was mildly red on the spot that the coffee hit him and was only crying mostly due to my reaction. I cleaned up the spilled coffee while Sarah consoled Cash. Then she wiped and mopped the floor.

An incentive to really cleaning off my dining room table now. I have to reprint my class homework assignments. I also noticed that my class book has coffee on some of the pages and the dividers. Dang it.

Another thing coffee, eats the finish off a table if you don't get cleaned up fast...

Happy as a clam....

My oh so smart and determined Sarah has fixed my internet access problem. I am now using my brand new laptop to surf the web. Which means I will also be hitting the itunes website here soon to download some new music. Yippee....

Finally

It is starting to cool down. It was only in the mid-eighties today. I had Cash also as Sarah was covering a shift for Caitlyn who was going to a wedding today. Cash and I had a blast as usual. We played catch with his stuffed Buzz Lightyear. Amazing what can entertain a nineteen month old toddler.

His favorite holiday...

It was our second one without Steve. At times like these it is so hard to put into words how much my heart aches for him. I miss the sound of his voice, his laugh and especially his hugs. I miss his crazy propensity to blow things up, especially this time of year.

I chose to do something different for the 4th this year by attending a party at a dear friends. I had a great time meeting new people and visiting old friends too. Great food, laughs and fireworks over the river. What more could a person ask for? A seat by a window on the third floor out of the cold is where I sat with Princess...