Lisa and Sarah's Mom

2 FEET...2 FEET...2 FEET!!!

2012-01-15T08:38:00.000-08:00

I woke to snow on the ground and a text from Sarah saying "2 feet, 2 feet!!!". Really this girl has a big thing for snow. I, on the other hand can do without it. I am not a big fan. Steve and the girls all for the snow whenever they could get it. I was born a California girl and I don't see that changing...

New beginnings...

2012-01-06T23:46:00.000-08:00

It was our first Christmas in my new house and we had lots of fun. It didn't have the tinge of sadness that the last two years had for me. I believe it is because it was the start of new traditions blended with old ones in my new home. Stockings were hung on the fireplace and the tree was in it's rightful place in the living room in front of the window just like at the old house. But there were new lights on the outside of the house, some new ornaments and the smell of ham in the oven to make things feel really good. If it wasn't for the stress that occurs every year I would have this holiday year around. I loved spending the day with my girls and their guys. I am so looking forward to having a new little baby in the house come next Christmas.

Happy New Year!!!

2012-01-01T07:53:00.000-08:00

Our family has a couple of babies due this summer so we are going to be blessed with an expanding family. So I have an extra couple of wishes to add to my list this year. That being said I wish for my girl Sarah and my niece Katy to have easy and uneventful births, for my friends and family to have a better year than last and of course, peace on earth...

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

2011-12-25T10:31:00.000-08:00

I am spending the day with my children and grandson. Hope your day is as joyous as I know mine will be.

Tis' the season...

2011-12-18T14:50:00.000-08:00

It makes me so happy to be with my family at this time of year. While we miss Steve so much at this time we keep his memory alive by keeping his traditions alive. Sarah and Nate have taken over getting the Christmas trees for me and Grandma Norma. They have really gotten into it and have picked out some really great ones. This year is no different. I will try to get a picture of it this year. It is one of those hybrid nobles and it is pretty cute.

Kids will be here at noon Christmas morning and then we will do the Fordyce Christmas the following day. This week is going to be crazy because I still have a couple of more gifts to get and another party with friends. I definitely love this time of the year even if it is crazy stressful.

He is three.

2011-11-23T16:50:00.000-08:00

My grandson turned three on Monday. It is unbelievable how time has flown by. I miss his grandpa so much and wish that he were here to experience how awesome Cash is. We celebrated his birthday on Sunday. He was only mildly interested in his guests, presents and cake. Operating on no nap, all he did was be super hyper and not sit too long or he risked falling asleep.

His momma made him a dirt cake which he really didn't want to eat but the gummy worms on it got his attention. Those he picked off the remainder of the cake after everyone was served and ate those. I think the cake was mostly for his daddy and mommy who love it.

His presents held little or no interest for him until his dad started to open them. The best gifts appeared to be from his Aunt Lisa and Uncle Buck which were a large artists tablet with washable markers and brushes. He also received books and various matchbox like cars and a couple of movies. He was happy with all his gifts just more interested in drawing than anything else.

Safe and sound, sort of....

2011-11-17T22:51:00.000-08:00

My trip to California was a quick one. It was fun yet bittersweet. My mom has been diagnosed with dementia. She is in the early stages. It is hard to see her with memory issues when she was the person who remembered everything even stuff we didn't want her to remember.

The girls and Cash came along for the visit too. Cash was uncertain at first because it was his first long distance drive and first time being away from his daddy. Sarah had to call Nate a couple of times so that Cash could hear his daddy's voice and get a little reassurance that his dad was still around.

Sarah took him to the neighborhood park which has an amazing playground. He didn't want to come back to my parents house after going there so he had a couple of meltdowns. By the time we were ready to come home he was enjoying his visits with his extended family and we didn't want to go either.

It was good to see my siblings and nephews. It was so hard to believe it had been two years since I saw most of them. My nephews have grown so much it was hard to believe it. When I hugged my family good bye I didn't want to let them go, especially my parents.

The drive home was long and uneventful thank goodness. We chose not to stop so Lisa drove the first half of the trip and I drove the rest of the way home. We made good time considering we stopped for lunch, dinner and some potty breaks. Having left my parents home at 10:30AM, I was dropping Sarah and Cash off at their house at 9:15PM. Once I dropped Lisa off got home and unpacked my car it was about 10:30.

Sleep didn't come quickly but when I did finally fall asleep I didn't wake till after ten the next morning. It took me most of the day to get motivated to unpack and do laundry. Wow, I know I can't do short trips (especially driving) anymore as my body just doesn't recover from it as quickly as it once did. Next time I am flying...

Happy Birthday Steve!

2011-11-09T16:54:00.000-08:00

Today he would have been 52. A young handsome grandpa if you ask me.

Things I now miss during this time of the year...

2011-10-29T13:08:00.000-07:00

Of course besides the blatantly obvious, Steven, are the things I had gotten used to living in the country. The smell of the earth after the first rain, seeing the sun rises from my kitchen window and the visits from my sweet nieces Evangeline and Estelle. The sounds of the owls at night coming from the woods, the farm equipment passing in front of the house and the sounds of children laughing while playing on the hay fort next door. Then there is also the sounds of screams coming from the haunted maze the last couple of nights before Halloween. Yes, I would bundle up and stand in my driveway to hear the sounds. They were strangely comforting when I knew that my kids were out there helping to 'scare' those silly people who thought it was fun to traipse around in the dark of night in the maze.

It saddens me to know that Steve is missing out on this time of year. He loved operating the trebuchet. Watching the kids and adults alike holler and laugh at the launching of the pumpkins into the sky. I know he would have loved watching Cash enjoy the hay fort and maze. I am sure he is looking down at us and enjoying it all...

New house...old house

2011-10-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness for my little girl. She has come to the rescue on clearing out the attic spaces on the old house. Very little from the attic will get moved to the new house because most of the things belong to girls and they are deciding what to do with all that stuff. It is amazing what you find in those spaces. A good much of it is what Sarah calls "what were you/Dad thinking?" and to which I have to agree. Yep, makes you realize that living simply is so much smarter.

We have the basement and the spare room off the garage left to do. Then it is trips to Goodwill and the dump. Really need to do this so I can sell the old place. My goal this week is to tag all the stuff I want to keep and place in a pile the things to be donated so that when it is time to go to the dump there will be no questions as to what goes because it all will. My dear brother-in-law Michael has offered to move any last stuff to the house and make the trip to the dump for me. He has been the greatest through all of this.

I am looking forward to the day when I don't have to do anymore things at the old place because it just makes me sad to walk in to the house. I keep praying that it will all be over soon and I can truly move on.

Twenty-five years ago...

2011-09-02T07:34:00.000-07:00

The title to this post almost sounds like the start of a fairy tale. Well to be honest it was, mine. On August 23, 25 years ago I married the most wonderful man in my life. He was smart, funny, opinionated, sentimental, handsome and a romantic.

He had a good memory for things most guys tend to forget. He remembered the day we met, birthdays and our anniversaries but gift giving was always a struggle for him. First we gave him hints then we just would come right out and say what we wanted. But it rarely translated to what we got unless we purchased our own gifts, because he always thought he had a better idea.This meant a bicycle (can't ride), a frying pan (yep), a very good knife (he said mine were all crap) and a weather station. Yea, the last one is still in the box having never been opened because he was going to put the gauge up on the house. Then there were the times when he bought gifts because he thought we would like them and he put them away for the future. I found one such gift in his office when we were packing some of the stuff up. It still had the credit card receipt in the bag.

This was also the guy who was very hard to get gifts for when the time came. We asked for ideas and got lists of obscure books, guns (out of the girls money range) and tools. He also took a long time to get these lists to us. One year Sarah threatened to give him a pretty pink sweater in her size. "Dad, doesn't fit you, darn I guess I will keep it for myself." He got the biggest kick out of that comment.

As the years pass I find myself finding things I know he would have liked. Why, does this happen, who knows. I miss him even more today than ever. More happy memories come to mind when I look at pictures of him with the girls but it is still tinged with a lot of sadness. I seriously doubt it will ever get better...

Who knew...and didn't tell me?

2011-08-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

All things related to this new 'old' house have been fun and frustrating at the same time. But I guess that is to be expected. The air conditioner began to have issues a week ago Sunday so I had to call someone out to look at it. Three hundred dollars later it was fixed. Not that it wasn't working but it kept running even with the thing set in the off position. So everything got a tune-up while the guy was here and now it I don't have to worry about that till next year.

I have a problem with spiders here, too. Not that I didn't at the old place but there seem to be thousands of the darn things. Sarah said the other day that my neighbors probably think she is a bit crazy. Because every time she drops Cash off as she approaches the front door she does a bunch of 'ninja' moves to clear the spiders. Since I rarely go in or out through the front door I didn't know about this phenomenon. My friend Camille confirmed it yesterday. It seems the tree in my front yard is like a home to the damn things. Just great.

My automatic yard watering system doesn't work and I need to replace it. There were no manuals left so that I could figure it out either. So I will be off to Home Depot sometime this week to get a new one. Home ownership is so much fun...

So different...

2011-08-07T22:33:00.000-07:00

After living in the country for over twenty plus years I had forgotten what a difference there was living in the city. Moving out to the country you lose lighted streets, paved driveways, peace and quiet. Yes, I said peace and quiet. Because in the late fall, spring and summer the noise of farm equipment is ever present. And if you live close to the road it is also really dusty.

Yes, city folk who move out to the country for peace and quiet don't usually get it. But they do expect it and tend to be quite vocal when it doesn't happen. The country folk get a big kick out of those neighbors expectations. Not much in the way of excitement really happens out in the country other than the occasional car accident or police chase that occurs in the middle of the night.

But move to the city and you see all kinds of things. As I type this I can see my neighbor painting this very odd looking fountain she has in her yard. It is a giant palm tree with a small catch basin at it's base. Truly not a collectors item...

The realization...

2011-07-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

There are definitely going to be some things I will miss about living in the country. I will miss the beauty of the farms that are close by, the sunrises and sunsets on the horizons, and my fabulous neighbors and family. Though I have moved only about ten minutes away from the old house it is a big change. The upside of my move; no road noise from the 24/7 traffic, no constant dirt from fields being worked up, no pollen from the cottonwood trees or cars landing up in my pasture after they have driven off the road. I will miss the text messages from my neighbor Mary asking me to check and see if she closed her garage door, the impromptu visits from my nieces Evangeline and Estelle showing off their latest clothing purchase, and seeing my nephew Graham driving by on one of the tractors.

In the trivia department I can boast that after 22 years of hearing farm equipment drive by, I can now identify the piece of equipment and its manufacturer correctly most of the time. I can also identify young crops in a field, drive a car with a manual transmission and drive in the snow thanks to Steve. Though the latter two I never pursued because it wasn't a great experience.

In the new experience department I had hoped to do a great many new things with Steve instead I am doing them on my own and not really liking it but having to do it never the less. Watching Cash grow up and experience new things was something we had planned on doing together but now it is just me. Though a good many times I feel Steve's presence and know he is watching over all of us I would rather have him here physically to see what a wonderful little guy our grandson has become.

I won't have internet till Tuesday but my computer won't be moved till Wednesday sometime, as I am having some stuff done to consolidate programs on one versus three. So I will keep in touch by coming back to the old house as I still have internet here. I don't have TV's set up yet either so I am watching movies on my laptop till that happens on Tuesday. So I will post this for now and then do the next post when I am officially online at the new place.

Spending my first night at my new house. I am already feeling a little strange...

Moving = major stress...

2011-07-15T23:42:00.000-07:00

It has been almost a month to the day since I last did a blog post. Things went slow to super fast and hectic in just days. I am not 100% moved in to the new house yet but I am close. Bedroom furniture is there now as is most of the kitchen, living room and craft room. All the loose ends are still at the old house. Ran out of boxes but that was short lived. Thanks to my brother-in-law Mike and a couple of his workers they moved all that plus loads of boxes on Wednesday. While we; Sarah, Angie, Mary and her daughter Jenifer packed and cleaned more stuff. Whew, what a job...

This girl...

2011-06-18T16:55:00.000-07:00

Is AMAZING!!! She sorted and packed literally all of my kitchen in just over three hours. Some of the stuff was a little hard for me to put in the donate boxes but Sarah was right, I needed to not keep stuff I wasn't using. I have to say there were some mementos that I wanted to keep but after thinking about it this evening they are better off in those boxes. I think she will be proud of me that I haven't even thought about pulling anything out of those donate boxes.

This initial post is a couple of weeks old. Sarah has since come back and worked on my built in cabinet in my bedroom doing basically the same thing. "Donate, donate, donate" is her motto, I think. She is my rock star!

**The photo is a couple of years old. I had to search for one I thought she wouldn't object to my posting. It was Cash's first Halloween.

Slow going...

2011-06-13T22:32:00.000-07:00

Things moved fast in the painting and cleaning department thank goodness but the packing is going really slowly. Some boxes have been pretty quick to pack but then there are those that are harder because I come across stuff of Steve's. The decisions to keep and what to take with me in these cases are sometimes hard. Some are no-brainers but then there is the occasional trinket he loved that I don't seem to want to part with so it might move to the new house.

I started this post at the end of May and I just realized I had never finished it. That is about the way things are right now. I am SO over the packing and moving thing.

His momma's helper...

2011-05-28T23:02:00.000-07:00

He found a paint roller and wanted to help. He first rolled the dry roller on his mom's newly painted wall. He later happened to lean against the same wet wall and got sage paint on the back of his pants, shirt and head. He didn't stop there as he then proceeded to touch the wall and taste it, and then made a face. Surprise Cash, paint doesn't taste good. His mommy even told him it wasn't food but that didn't stop him from then placing his lips to the wall to try a different spot. The look on his face was priceless...

The blues...

2011-05-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

They hit me when I least expect them. I am usually a puddle of tears for most of the day and there is nothing I have tried so far that makes them go away. I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there. Today is one of those days...

Here she is...

2011-05-09T18:03:00.000-07:00

Isn't she pretty? She has a red front door. Also a living/dining room, family room, two bedrooms, one bathroom, utility room and a kitchen with a nook. Love, love, love her!!! She is getting new paint in all rooms except the bathroom before I move in.

Thanks to my sweet girl Sarah, her hubby Nate and my dear friend Angie the house is prepped and ready to paint. Things are moving right along considering I just got my keys last Wednesday. I have already taken before pictures and will take more in process and then when it is done. I will post those later.

It has been four days since I started writing this post and I finally loaded my photos onto my computer so I can post the first photo of the outside of my house. My wonderful family and friends have really made large strides on the painting. As of today the family/craft room and both bedrooms are done. The hallway is taped and painted at the baseboards and next to the door frames. The living/dining room ceiling is done as is the first coat of paint on the walls. Lisa started painting the utility room yesterday and hopes are that we get more done tomorrow. I will start posting before and after pictures in a couple of days.

Falling behind...

2011-05-04T09:38:00.000-07:00

It is amazing what packing and moving does to your life. Blogging is the last thing that I think of doing. Though I know that I have been a bit remiss with it in the last couple of years it has become worse in the last six months. For instance it has been almost a month since I last wrote on my blog and I don't know where the time went.

I am now thinking that hiring someone to pack and move me is a really good idea. But it isn't the moving that is the problem it is the sorting and dealing with the aftermath that I don't look forward to at all. I have twenty-four years of stuff to go through and it is extremely overwhelming to say the least.

Two years...

2011-04-06T18:17:00.000-07:00

I keep trying to wrap my brain around this fact. It seems like only yesterday I was wondering why Steve wasn't answering his phone at just a little after eight in the morning. He should have been at work by then since he left at a little after seven. What prompted my calling him, which I rarely did, at that time of the morning you might ask? I had been watching the news as I always did and there was a report of a small plane crash. I had the oddest feeling so I called him. When I got no answer it kicked my 'worry' mode into gear. I shut off the television. From there on in the time frame of how things happened got very fuzzy.

My worst fear was about to be moved into a frenzy when I received a call from a reporter with the Oregonian. She wanted to confirm that Steve was the owner of N9996D and if he had been flying that morning. She even had the nerve to ask if I was sure he was the one flying the plane. She then told me there had been a plane crash, I don't remember what I said but it caused her to respond with "Oh my God". Because she then apologized and then hung up. My next call was to Kelly, Steve's boss to ask him if he had seen Steve yet that morning. I told him about the reporter and then I could hear what I believe were his keys in his pocket as he ran outside to the parking lot to see if Steve's motorcycle was there. It was not and then Kelly said I will call you back. I remember calling my neighbor Mary and after that things all happened in somewhat of a blur. How much time had passed from then to when I had a Marion County Sheriff knocking on my door seemed like forever but it could have been moments later I don't know. He was here to basically confirm my worst fears. Mary called family and friends and in no time at all my dear mother-in-law was in my arms sobbing along with me.

The sheriff needed to confirm what Steve was wearing and some of his physical attributes such as 'did he have facial hair'. It struck me at the moment as odd that I couldn't remember what shirt he had on. I described the color of his jacket, the fact he was wearing blue denim Carharts and yes, he had a beard. From there on in I don't remember what happened or in what order. But it seemed like in no time at all my dear friends were here asking what they could do.

Fast forward to today; past the reluctance of the insurance companies to pay out on their policies, the threatened lawsuits, the numerous attorneys and the estate. Today it is no less hectic but I have a goal and I am moving forward. Buying a new 'old' home and selling the old 'old' home is what is occupying my time right now. I hate the packing and moving part but now is when I take the opportunity to reduce the clutter my life. I hope my girls are grateful I am not leaving it for them to deal with...

The next step...

2011-03-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

I thought I would be packing and moving to the new 'old' house quickly but after having been there with Sarah on Sunday it looks like painting will be the next step. Looking to go with the colors I was going to use in this house.

Sarah thinks I need to add color to the room I will use as my craft room, something in pink or purple. I am leaning towards a shade of lavender. She also thinks I should go with a pale yellow in my kitchen, that I am still trying to wrap my brain around. I like the blue in the master bedroom but she says it's a little dull and thought maybe adding some kind of sponged color over the existing will add a little 'pop' to the room. Cash's (guest) room is going to be a sage color as is the living room and the hall will be a shade of light brown. I need to go to the paint store some time this week. But I know I can't go without my decorator along. :)

I decided on mini blinds in the bedrooms, my craft room and the eating area in the kitchen. So my next trip to the house I will need to remember a tape measure. I will be putting drapes in the living and dining room plus the sliding glass door in my craft room. I am just going to put valances in the remaining windows which are over the kitchen sink, the utility and bathroom.

I am getting very excited about the house just not the packing and moving part. I have already had lots of offers to paint and to move. I am very blessed with great friends and family.

Making more changes...

2011-03-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

While deciding whether to put money into this old house to make it more livable for me and my bad knee a few things became abundantly clear to me. It was going to take a lot of money and also displace me out of my house for long periods of time while the house was being worked on. Talking to Mike and Chris, in-laws extraordinaire, they told me that doing all that would probably not add much value to the house because of it's age. With their considerable knowledge with these matters I got to thinking maybe I should be putting my money into something newer or at least something that didn't have to have a major remodel.

Well wouldn't you know it they may have found my 'new' home. It is ranch style home built in the early 50's with an attached garage, fenced in back yard, newly refinished wood floors and a utility room with washer and dryer hookups. Biggest plus, it is all one level. I went over this afternoon and looked at it. I fell in love...

My Valentine...

2011-03-17T20:54:00.000-07:00

Sending your hugs and kisses to heaven. I love you...

Dishonesty...

2011-01-31T09:11:00.000-08:00

I read somewhere recently that people who are trusting can more easily detect when someone is lying. I hadn't really thought much about this before but I believe it to be true. It is not something that blares out at you when a person is dishonest but rather a 'gut' feeling that you get. Accompanied by the fact that the person doesn't look you straight in the eye when talking to you. Not only quite unnerving but it pisses me off. Why put all that energy into lying when you can just deal with the matter at hand? Our society has gotten to the point that people don't like to be held accountable for their actions so they resort to lying. Yep, this world is going to hell in a hand basket...

New microwave and other electronics...

2011-01-25T09:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes all things electronic I think are out to get me. My initial initiation to my new microwave was pretty easy thanks to Nate. But as of late I am still trying to figure out how not to overcook and dry out my food. I had the other microwave with the dial for so long that it is hard for me to remember that this new one definitely cooks and heats foods faster, like in half the time faster. Now my fairly new Blue-Ray DVD player is shooting out movies at random times. I know it wasn't me hitting the buttons by accident as I wasn't even in the room. The computer in Steve's office has decided to shut itself off at a whim and the battery back up in said office went nuts the other day. High pitched and piercing noises are not fun. I shut everything off but now I can't access Quicken to pay bills. See, the electronic gods are messing with me. Damn.

Never too old...

2011-01-25T08:27:00.000-08:00

I have discovered you are never too old to learn something new. I am still trying to conquer the world of computers and I believe this will be an on going learning experience for me. I continue to learn new and sometimes re-inventive ways to scrapbook my memories. I am continuing to learn how to take better pictures with my digital SLR. I am starting to understand some of Cash's 'baby' talk. He actually said "outside" the other evening clear as a bell, his dad was a witness. In the new column, I have learned that it is never too late to learn to pick your friends wisely. Whether you are six, twenty-six or fifty-six this lesson is a painful one. The fact that there are just some people and situations that will never change no matter how much you want them too. If there is one thing I learned from my first marriage is that wishing a person will change because they love you doesn't mean it will happen because they are probably wishing the same of you. And I continue to learn to appreciate the things I do have in my life. My wonderful family who make life so enjoyable. I am not going to focus any energy on people or things that want to bring me down. So I take small steps into the new era in my life beginning with cleaning out the crap and because Steve and I had a hard time throwing things out I now pay for it. Damn...

Two amazing daughters...

2011-01-13T17:44:00.000-08:00

Steve and I raised two amazing girls. They have stepped in countless times these last twenty months to help me when I needed it. From cleaning to moving furniture and boxes they have taken up the task at hand to do the things that I just can't do. I know that this has to be hard on them too but they don't complain.

In fact there have been times while we were sorting through stuff that we laughed ourselves silly over the memories that came up. Of course, mostly at Steve's expense but then he had it coming. We usually laughed when it happened and then the memories came and we laughed more. Comments usually range from "Dad never got it" (Sarah) to "Dad was such a geek" (Lisa) that sides hurt from the laughter.

As the memories resurface we laugh, cry and laugh some more. It is what makes it so bittersweet that he couldn't have made his 'grandpa' memories with Cash because we all know it would have been an unending supply of laughter, again at his expense.

My personal memories of how we met, dated, married and lived our twenty-four years are what hold me together now. Some of course are of a personal nature, others are of how he impacted those he encountered while he went about living life. He constantly amazed me what a wonderful person he was and though we didn't have the 'perfect' marriage it was really really good.

Now it is on to making new memories with my family and their families.We are doing it in small steps and they have been great ones. I just hope that this continues for this new year.

Survived...

2010-12-31T19:20:00.000-08:00

Yes, the holidays are almost behind us. In a little less than five hours a new year will be upon us. How is it that it is almost 2011? Steve and I had decided to ring in 2010 with special plans. It just doesn't seem possible that a whole year has passed already. I am hoping for new and better things ahead for all of my loved ones.

I know I keep saying I am going to post some pictures of my grandson but you know how life gets in the way of plans. Maybe my next post...

Tornado in Aumsville...

2010-12-14T15:35:00.000-08:00

In the small town of Aumsville at just a little before noon a tornado touched down. This town is just about twenty minutes drive from me. Looking at the pictures on the news it totally amazes me that someone did not get hurt. Our Lord was watching out for a good many people today.

Keeping up...

2010-12-13T14:30:00.000-08:00

Or I should say trying to keep up. Thanksgiving was fun, nobody took pictures. :( Oh well, it just works out that way sometimes. Have had a nasty sinus infection for about a week. Had to get meds and now I am starting to feel much better. Trying to get my Christmas cards done but I keep getting sidetracked. Mailed off a package to California this morning and got a couple of gifts crossed off my list but still have a bunch more to do. Where are those darn "elves" that are supposed to help out??

It happened...

2010-11-23T10:41:00.000-08:00

We got snow. Not much really, about an inch but the temperature has dropped significantly. It was 27 degrees when I woke this morning. Biggest fear about driving on the roads is the icy conditions. According to the weather people it isn't going to get above freezing till Thursday and will drop into the teens tonight. I worry about my kids driving in this stuff. All went to work of course, and because Cash has taken a turn for the worse I am babysitting today. I will post pictures if I can get time to take them.

Snow....

2010-11-21T21:45:00.000-08:00

They say we will be getting snow to the valley floor. I am not a big fan of snow. I have never hidden that fact from my family. So it is no surprise to them when I roll my eyes at them when they chant "two feet, two feet" when they hear it might snow. Most of the people in this state do not know how to drive in it and therefore make it extremely dangerous for those who do. I am not unsympathetic to those who have to drive because of their jobs but really if you don't have to be out there stay home. Play in the snow in your yard. Re-acquaint yourself with your family, play games or read a good book. If you have to be out in it be careful, drive slow and be safe...

Losing that 'baby' look...

2010-11-16T21:20:00.000-08:00

It has happened. My grandson has lost that baby look. It is so hard to believe that he will be two years old on Sunday. I wish his grandpa could see what a handsome little charmer he has become.
He started daycare today and it didn't go so well. Apparently he cried for two hours non-stop for his momma this morning and then repeated the same thing late this afternoon. Sarah is feeling really bad about this. I 'so' remember feeling this way when I took Lisa to daycare the first time. Sarah was fortunate that I was able to stay home with her for the most part. I wish I could be of comfort for her at this time.

Today

2010-11-09T12:39:00.000-08:00

Steve would have been 51 years old. It just doesn't seem possible that this is the second birthday without him. Loving and missing him as always...

Life...

2010-11-06T14:40:00.000-07:00

It just keeps getting more and more weird all the time. A local Salem scrapbook store owner was arrested recently for providing the police with a false name. Turns out she has been living under another assumed name for the last twenty years or so. How do people think they can get away with this kind of stuff???

Sadness sets in once again...

2010-10-22T21:22:00.000-07:00

Annette's family is now preparing to memorialize her brother-in-law. They found Arlie's body not too far from where he went into the water last week. How I grieve for Jenny and her children. The girls and I know all too well what this feels like. Both of the girls said they wanted to desperately hug their daddy and I do too...

Last weekend

2010-10-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

I had a great time with a bunch of wonderful ladies. Reconnected with some that I hadn't seen in quite awhile and others that I had seen just a couple of weeks ago. We had a "comfort" food potluck on Friday which was really good. Emese did the food for the rest of the weekend and wow it was yummy. Another big event will be happening in February and we are already signed up. Should be loads of fun once again.

Pink Crop Event

2010-10-15T12:11:00.000-07:00

It is happening at Running with Scissors in Independence this weekend. I will be spending it with Camille and a bunch of amazing creative ladies. Some of these gals I have not seen a quite awhile so it should be loads of fun. I am actually packed and ready to go. I am hoping to be on the road by five but we shall see...

Slow start...

2010-10-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

The morning started out slow but it has picked up. Lots to do so that I will be ready for the 'Pink Crop' event at Running with Scissors this weekend.
Starting to struggle with my grief again. I visited Steve this morning and I had a major breakdown. I long to put my arms around him and to feel his beard on my face when I kiss him. Is this ever going to get easier?

Homework...

2010-10-13T15:42:00.000-07:00

I purchased the software program Photo Shop Elements and I am taking a class to help me better understand its workings. I should have spent time working on getting to know the software this past week but life got in the way. So now I am going to attempt to get a little time at it before class this evening...

ETA: I learned some really cool stuff tonight and can hardly wait to use these features!!!

The decision has been made...

2010-10-11T23:14:00.000-07:00

I want to thank my children, my mother-in-law, my friends and Steve's pilot friends who helped me make this decision. At first I wasn't sure what to do but once I talked with all of you and realized that the choice really was an easy one. I slept better last night than I have in a really long time, so I know that I made the right choice.

Now all I have to do is notify my attorney. I need to talk to Rob Lusardi first and let him know why I have made this decision. He is the husband of the passenger that was flying with Steve at the time of the accident. I have not talked to him since attorneys got involved in this whole thing. I just thought it more safe that way. But now that the estate is just about to close it is time for me to move on.

I had not realized that I was stuck in my grief. My house is a complete disaster. Getting things organized will help make cleaning my house easier but also get my life back. I need to move on but it is so hard. I miss and want him back so badly that at times all I do is sit and stare out the window wondering 'what if'. It is a dangerous place to be and I want out.

It all started with this, then ended with this...

2010-10-11T23:13:00.000-07:00

It has been complete craziness since. It consumed time, money but provided countless hours of enjoyment for Steve. The intent was to shave hours off Steve's commute every week so that he could spend more time at home. Yea, didn't really work out that way. When the time finally became available he used it for recreational flying, which was a great stress reducer for him. Sarah said it best in her eulogy to her dad. He became a complete person once he learned to fly. He was passionate about flying like he was about everything else he loved in his life. Little did we know that it would later cause me so much grief.

The NTSB have yet to finish their investigation into the accident. I think the longer it takes the more likely we are to never really know what happened. There are a few theories on what may have happened. It depends on who you talk to what scenario may have occurred. As it sits now the estate of the passenger is planning on suing the manufacturer of the carburetor. They believe the accident was caused by 'carb ice', my attorney hasn't bought into that theory. A couple of Steve's pilot buddies believe that they ran into surface icing conditions when they were trying to climb out of the terrain. Which caused their gyro instruments to slowly stop working and as the gyro horizon leaned over they just followed. It then explains why several of the 'eye' witnesses heard the planes engine rev up before the crash. This scenario makes much more sense.

Because there is a two year window where you can sue the attorneys have asked if I want to join in the lawsuit. It will be costly and probably lengthy too. I am going to talk to my girls and get their input. But the more I look at this the more I find it distasteful. I just want this to end.

Warm yesterday...

2010-09-27T08:04:00.000-07:00

Cool and wet today. Yep, weather in the Northwest. This time of year you need to dress for what the current weather conditions are and be able to adapt for the change that will occur. When I first moved here I thought I would never like it. I was hundreds of miles from my family in California. I barely knew my 'new' family and I was extremely homesick.

Then school started and I met more wonderful people than I could have imagined. The pace of life was so much more laid back. Oh, and the drivers way more courteous and aware. But the weather conditions in the winter were scary at times. I had never driven in the snow let alone black ice and the constant wet weather was depressing. I found that I had to make some mental adjustments if I was to survive.

I learned to drive in the snow and to avoid driving when there was black ice. I found hobbies that kept me occupied when the weather would depress me. I also rediscovered my love of reading. So there were plenty of trips to the library for Sarah and I while Lisa was in school. We also took advantage of the bookmobile that stopped at the school every three weeks. I strongly believe that this was when Sarah developed her love of reading.

Steve's family made the transition easier too. They didn't just get together for birthday's and holidays they enjoyed spending time together. So we frequently did dinner at his folks and played games. The game of choice was pinochle. I had never played before so I got a crash course and learned to play. I still struggle with it but I have lots of fun. We taught the girls to play but they were never keen on the game. I think it was because Steve was determined to play as a family and he could get pretty intense playing. Not a lot of fun for us 'newbies'.

Then I thought I didn't have enough hobbies and got into scrapbooking. Oh boy, it hooked me and took over. I absolutely love it. Not only because I am preserving memories but because I have made some of best friends I could ever wish to have. These ladies are smart, creative, loyal and loads of fun. They along with my family became my rock when Steve passed away.

Sometimes I think that saying 'thank you' is never enough. I want you all know that "I love you" and always will...

More sadness...

2010-09-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

There was a tragic car accident here in town yesterday afternoon. Three students at Chemeketa Community College were in a cross walk at the college when they were hit by a car. A 16-year-old boy was killed instantly, an 18-year-old girl was Life Flighted to Emmanual Legacy and another 18-year-old boy was taken to Salem Hospital. The girl has since passed away and the boy at Salem Hospital is in critical condition. The driver, a 29-year-old woman was arrested last night and initially charged with one count of first degree manslaughter, two counts of second degree assault and driving under the influence. No doubt, these charges will change now that the second student has died.

I just received a call from my mother-in-law informing me that the 16-year-old boy was the eldest son of one of Michael's former workers. Words can not express how sad we all feel for Francisco, Valentina and the rest of his family. May the dear Lord watch over them.

ETA: Correction to my post. The students were not college students but were of Winema High School that is located on the college campus. According to the paper the boys name was Francisco.

Facebook...

2010-09-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am addicted. I love some of the games but even more so being able to keep up with family and friends. I have made contact with some high school friends, made new friends thanks to other friends, plus I have been able to get in touch with family that are hundreds of miles away. How can you not love it???

Okay, there is always something that would be a buzz kill to the fun. It has a downside and that is; it is time consuming. Time that should be better spent. Damn.

PS: And right now the website is having major issues and you can't log on. Double damn.

A week later...

2010-09-22T17:45:00.000-07:00

The cough is still here but a lot better in terms of intensity. I still get tired pretty easily but that too has improved. I think Cash may have a new 'germ' he may be passing around but Sarah says no. "Mom! All little kids run around with their noses running. He is fine." She is probably right and it is just my 'grandma' genes kicking in.

I received a letter from my attorney yesterday that says the estate of the passenger in the plane crash is pursuing legal action against the carburetor manufacturer and wants to know if I want to join in the lawsuit. The opinion of the 'expert' they called in to look at the wreckage says he believes 'carb ice' to be the cause of the accident based on what he saw and on the statements of an eyewitness. My attorney isn't sure that this is the entire cause. I have questions and I will be calling him tomorrow to see what he thinks.

Day No. 7

2010-09-15T05:52:00.000-07:00

And I don't feel much better. The cough is loosening up and my fever has finally gone away thank goodness. It looks like the cough is going to be around for awhile. I noticed Cash was sick a couple of weeks before I got it and he still is coughing. Great.

On the better news Buck took out the old stereo/surround system I had and put in my new one. The back speakers aren't hooked up yet but it sounds good. The old system still worked but the new television I got is what necessitated the change. Old and new technology didn't quite work together. The jury is still out on the DVD player as I have had to do everything (play and eject0 manually as my remote is not working. We thought the TV one would do the trick but it doesn't. We would probably have realized it if we had tried it last night but it was pretty late and the kids needed to get home. Hannah still needed to be taken out for her walk before bed time.

Day No. 4

2010-09-12T14:47:00.000-07:00

And I am only getting worse. I remember the last time I was this sick Sarah was just a little baby. It was at the same time of year too. I was so sick my mom had to come and take care of her and 'me' for a day. Wonder if I could get my 'mommy' to come here???

The Crawfords like to share...

2010-09-09T20:43:00.000-07:00

It is a nasty cold. It started with Cash and he shared it with his daddy then his mommy. Now it looks as though I have it too. My throat is so sore and my head is pounding. Damn.

Another sad day...

2010-09-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

I had to find Princess a new home. My previous encounters with pets had given me a plugged head and/or runny nose and she did not, so I thought I was in the clear. Then I started to break out in hives. All contact areas where she touched bare skin left me in welts. So I had to give her up. She has gone to a nice home in Corvallis. The couple have a young daughter, a couple of small dogs and live on five acres. They have a fenced in yard for the dogs and a doggy door. It looks like I have found her a good home. I miss her.

I do...

2010-08-23T22:29:00.000-07:00

Were the words Steve and I said to each other twenty-four years ago today. So why does it seem like it was yesterday? Missing him something fierce as always but especially today. I keep thinking of all the things we had planned on doing with our children now that they have families of their own. Camping was high on the list. We even bought a 27-foot travel trailer that sleeps seven with the hopes of spending lots of family time together. Now I have a trailer that I can't use and because the estate is just now in the final stages of becoming final it looks to sit for another year. Because who buys camping trailers at this time of the year?

She...

2010-08-20T16:55:00.000-07:00

Is a mini dachshund. She is hyper (is that normal?), wants to love on everyone that comes into my house or is in close proximity to her, and is chewing on everything in sight. Bought the 'bitter apple' product and that seems to be working. But I would have to douse Cash in the stuff to stop her from nipping him. It annoys him to the point that he takes swings at her with his hand mostly. But I worry that he will one day hit her with some larger and likely to hurt. Today, I finally separated them by putting her in the kennel most of the day. She whined, he whined and I got an enormous headache. What in the world was I thinking when I agreed to bring her home with me. She is lovable, has a sweet disposition and is good company but has her downsides. Still misses the puppy pad when she 'poos' and though I have gotten bigger pads she still does it. I believe it is due to her length and the fact that she can't judge how far back her legs are in relation to the front ones. I also now have to get a sitter when I am away from the house any length of time. This is just like having a child. Her name is Princess.

A change...

2010-08-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

In the weather is happening. The hot weather trend or heat wave is over. It actually started cooling down sooner than they had predicted. The worry of course is thunderstorms in the mountains that can cause fires. Everything is so dry right now that it wouldn't take much to start a major one. I do have to say that I am enjoying the 'calm' before the storm. The wind has literally stopped and the sky has taken on that look it gets before a summer rain. I love the smell of the air after a summer rain.

Feeling guilty

2010-08-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't been to visit Steve since last Sunday. I am tied up with making some patterns and then the heat has made me not want to leave the house. I have Cash today and tomorrow so I will have to wait till Wednesday since by then the heat wave will have subsided and I can take some flowers too.

Longing...

2010-08-09T22:37:00.000-07:00

It is the word Sarah used in her blog today to describe how she felt. I hadn't really used a good descriptive word to say how I feel about my current state of mind. She found it. I do 'long' to have more time with Steve. I feel it so deeply at times that it hurts to even breathe. I am just two weeks away from spending a second wedding anniversary without him. Unless you have experienced the loss of a spouse there is no way you can understand how this feels. The ache seeps into your very being and at times it is such a struggle to get on with the day.

So I force myself to remember what blessings I do have and it helps. The dear Lord knows that I didn't always make the wisest choices in life. So when I decided to start making them, he put Steve in my path. I resisted, I had been married before and it didn't end well. But Steve persisted and only God knows why. Steve gave me a wonderful married life for twenty-two years which he filled with love and laughter. I am so grateful to have my daughters and their families. To have Steve's family who are without a doubt simply the best.

So to my family and friends I say this; "Be grateful, thankful and forgiving because you never know what the future holds.

Contemplating...

2010-07-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

Something I thought I would never ever do. That is get a tattoo. Both of my girls have gotten tribute tattoos for their dad and they speak volumes. I want mine simple and yet a combination of what they both had done. It involves a heart at least, just not sure whether I want Steve's initials or the number of his plane to be a part of this. I think I will get input from them...

Things you dread...

2010-07-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

As a mom or a grandma there are always things you wish you could do different. They are usually things that are everyday occurrences that you do and give no second thought to at all. For instance closing your front door with your infant inside and you realize you have locked yourself out. Closing your car door with your sleeping infant in her car seat and you spot the keys on the dash. Or like this morning, made myself a cup of coffee and put it on the table with the handle facing the edge. Cash has only recently started handing me things that he has taken off the table, like my water bottle or my portable phone. This morning he chose to grab the coffee cup handle and spilled hot coffee all over including on himself. Thank goodness Sarah is a very together mom because I freaked. He was mildly red on the spot that the coffee hit him and was only crying mostly due to my reaction. I cleaned up the spilled coffee while Sarah consoled Cash. Then she wiped and mopped the floor.

An incentive to really cleaning off my dining room table now. I have to reprint my class homework assignments. I also noticed that my class book has coffee on some of the pages and the dividers. Dang it.

Another thing coffee, eats the finish off a table if you don't get cleaned up fast...

Happy as a clam....

2010-07-12T17:38:00.000-07:00

My oh so smart and determined Sarah has fixed my internet access problem. I am now using my brand new laptop to surf the web. Which means I will also be hitting the itunes website here soon to download some new music. Yippee....

Finally

2010-07-10T16:39:00.000-07:00

It is starting to cool down. It was only in the mid-eighties today. I had Cash also as Sarah was covering a shift for Caitlyn who was going to a wedding today. Cash and I had a blast as usual. We played catch with his stuffed Buzz Lightyear. Amazing what can entertain a nineteen month old toddler.

His favorite holiday...

2010-07-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

It was our second one without Steve. At times like these it is so hard to put into words how much my heart aches for him. I miss the sound of his voice, his laugh and especially his hugs. I miss his crazy propensity to blow things up, especially this time of year.

I chose to do something different for the 4th this year by attending a party at a dear friends. I had a great time meeting new people and visiting old friends too. Great food, laughs and fireworks over the river. What more could a person ask for? A seat by a window on the third floor out of the cold is where I sat with Princess...

Nasty cold

2010-06-17T13:33:00.000-07:00

It appears that Cash and I found a particularly nasty germ. So we shared it. Poor little guy. He is miserable and so am I. So soup and plenty of fluids are the order of the day. Hopefully it won't last too long. I hate it when he is sick.

Convinced...

2010-06-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

Everyday that I read Sarah's blog I am convinced that she was a writer in a previous life. I tell her she should not squander her talent and she should write a book. I went so far as to tell her that she could be her generations "Jen Lancaster". She just laughs and tells me that I say that because I am biased. Yea, a little but she is one darn talented gal.

All mixed up...

2010-06-05T22:48:00.000-07:00

Having spent the better part of the last couple of days looking through Steve's desk in search of software I am running the gamut of emotions. Missing him like crazy is at the top of the list. My trip to the cemetery today was a very emotional one. I knew it was going to be a tough one when I started crying before I even got there. I keep wondering if it will ever get better.

So as I continue the search for the missing software. And it has been a real eye opener. Music cd's in many of the drawers, DVD's, manuals, software, oodles of back up disks, random cables, various memory cards, hard drives, printer ink, stamps, vitamins, etc. No rhyme or reason as near as I can tell. Now I have boxes of various sizes littering the office. Now it really looks like a bomb went off in here. Geez...

So done...

2010-05-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

I am ready for the sunshine, already!! Someone please talk to mother nature...

Mulan...

2010-05-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

It is Cash's 'new' favorite movie. He literally goes into a trance watching it. This is one of two pictures that I actually got him to look at the camera. The little stinker wouldn't look in his grandma's direction...

Steve,

2010-05-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

I am tired of the quiet in our house, having no one to have meals with, no one to snuggle with, no one to enjoy movies with and no one to tell about my day. I miss you so much...

Need an intervention...

2010-05-22T23:09:00.000-07:00

I am so overwhelmed with my house that I get discouraged and stop clearing out stuff. HELP!? I have several friends that have already offered to help me but I don't know where to start. My biggest problem is where to put things temporarily while I sort through stuff. The biggest starting point is Steve's office. I get a real energy and start working at it then wham; memories just start making it impossible to finish. Oh how I miss him...

Things that go missing...

2010-05-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

First it was my GPS, then my saving account book and then my phone yesterday. After having torn the house apart last Thursday night I gave up looking for the GPS. Lisa found it Monday night in the one place I was sure it wasn't, my car. Found my phone late last night after having called it numerous times and didn't hear it. Yea, I had stopped looking. But I have to find my saving account book and I am not going to stop looking for it. Damn, I hate getting old...

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

To my mom, mother-in-law Norma, (all of my) aunts, sisters-in-law and my girl Sarah. Hope it is a good one.

Wow...

2010-05-04T19:17:00.000-07:00

A week has already passed and this is the first time I thought about blogging. Lots of things have happened since my last post. I spent the weekend with some fabulous ladies scrapbooking at the Shilo. I started the weekend watching Cash on Friday and ended the weekend watching him too as Sarah was needed at the Burger.
Sarah and Nate's restaurant was picked as the best new restaurant in the Statesman Journal's "Best of the Mid-Willamette Valley" readers poll. The winners were announced in the paper Sunday morning so you can imagine what the day was like. Sarah and Janet were both with us at the Shilo when the "boys" sent out the 'bat signal' which meant they were needed at the restaurant. Turns out it was busy but under control, to say the least the girls were mad at having been pulled away from their get away weekend. Also because of the article it appears as though business has really picked up at both the Burger and the Noodle. This IS good in light of the economy. Very happy for the entrepreneurs...

The boy has an arm....

2010-04-27T22:15:00.000-07:00

It is possible that my grandson is a future baseball player. Cash has started throwing his toys at anyone who will play catch. Today, a small car went sailing over the couch and onto the dining room table. Good thing I stepped to one side at that same time or he probably would have hit me in the head. How do you tell them that it isn't okay to throw things, yet you let them throw a ball to play catch. I am sure he is completely confused.

Another thing to go with throwing a ball, he actually winds up...

Another ...

2010-04-22T10:59:00.000-07:00

Anniversary that we wish we didn't have to have. My dear sweet grandma Lucille passed away a year ago. It just doesn't seem possible that a year has passed. We miss her sarcastic wit, her often biting remarks and her smile. Yet I have not to go far to see her as she rests in piece by my father-in-law Bob and my dear Steven. If I want a close up encounter all I have to do is visit Sarah. She has so much of her great-grandma in her not to mention she resembles grandma a lot. I know that my mother-in-law Norma, her sisters; Shirley and Mary, and her brothers; Larry and Joe miss her too. Big hugs go out to all of you...

ETA: I took Norma to dinner along with Raymond and his family tonight. Mostly to honor Grandma Lucille but also to give Norma some family time. We ate at Ixtapa in Silverton, very good food and service for very reasonable prices.

Remodel...

2010-04-21T16:51:00.000-07:00

Has started. My brother-in-law Raymond and his oldest boy removed the trim and paneling from the south wall in my dining room. His plan is scrape off the old wallpaper we found under the paneling and patch, tape and add texture to the wall. Seems like a lot of work. My other brother-in-law Mike suggested, as did Buck, we cover it with 1/4" drywall then tape and texture. In the meantime Mike and Chris have removed the old windows and replaced them with double pane vinyls. They look so good!!

I am such a grandma...

2010-04-13T16:12:00.000-07:00

Why? Because I think my grandson just keeps getting cuter all the time. All I want to do when he gets here is squeeze him to pieces and smother him with kisses.

My new rig...

2010-04-05T18:28:00.000-07:00

My brother-in-law Mike stopped by Easter morning. He wasn't too interested in the inside of the car as much as he wanted to look at the engine. His comment, "Do you realize you now have five cars in your driveway"? Leave it to him to state the obvious, but it was hysterical just the same. In my defense two of the cars are not only not road worthy but are tied up in Steve's estate. I am not selling the Excursion but will be selling the Taurus. Have to get her cleaned up and emptied of all my accumulated "crap" that is in the trunk. These are the best photos I could get at the time as I was dodging rain showers. Will have post some better ones later.

My Easter bunny...

2010-04-05T18:19:00.000-07:00

Who could resist such a cute face? Certainly not his grandma. I have to admit I was a tad disappointed that he wasn't more excited about his Easter basket. Sarah said he was the same way at home. Oh well, at least the adults in this family enjoyed their chocolate bunnies...

It just can't be...

2010-04-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

A whole year since I lost my dear sweet Steve. So many things are the same and yet different. Christmas, still loads of fun here and at the "Fordyce's" yet his presence was needed. At the annual coast trip same thing; loads of good food, laughter and fun yet he was missed dearly. I can say it over and over how much we loved and miss him. Among the many things I miss are photo ops working in the yard/garden or like this one bringing home new piglets. His mere presence was always so comforting, I felt so safe. The things I don't miss; plenty of those too. Let's see tea mugs everywhere, talk radio, clothing covered in grass clippings and smelly pigs. Though he loved having the piglets they were a lot of work and were not my favorite. I also know that my dear neighbors aren't mourning the loss of the critters either as the pig pen was just fifty feet from their bedroom windows. His tractor is gone, the riding lawn mower is now at Sarah and Nate's and his Supra has been sold. Yet, I can still feel him here. I miss you, love...

Missing him...

2010-03-28T21:07:00.000-07:00

Whoever said that with time the pain will lesson apparently never experienced the loss of a mate or child. Though miscarriages are a difficult loss, they don't quite follow the same scenario. Since I know this first hand I can say that particular pain did lessen but I also had given birth to two babies already and I had never had the chance to hold that baby in my arms. Steve and I were together for almost twenty-five years and yet it didn't seem like it at times. I won't say that our marriage was perfect because we all know that marriage takes a lot of work and its constantly changing and challenging, we still had a good one. Soon we will be approaching one of the last "firsts", the first anniversary of his accident. The pain and loneliness is still a constant. I will never stop missing him...

His playmate...grandpa???

2010-03-26T09:58:00.000-07:00

I discovered yesterday that Cash has a playmate. Not one we can see but one he definitely acknowledges. My grandmother used to say it was the guardian angels of the babies that watched over and played with them. Being a bit skeptical I just nodded my head when she told this to me. But I witnessed it first hand while playing catch with Cash yesterday. In the midst of chasing after the ball he turned around and looked up and past me. He did a little of his baby talk and then proceeded to throw the ball. I caught it and then threw it back though this time he picked up the ball looked to the right of where I was, and repeated his previous chatting then threw the ball in the direction he was looking. He then proceeded to chase down the ball, and the whole time he was giggling and laughing. He repeated this several times but at no time was he ever facing me. This can be explained away by many but I believe he was playing catch with his grandpa...

He wasn't perfect...

2010-03-13T12:54:00.000-08:00

But he was as close as you could get. He loved his family fiercely. He would drop what he was doing in a heartbeat to run to the aid of his mother, brothers, daughters or friends. He was also a big procrastinator when it came to things here in the house. The property got improvements like a fenced in pasture, a pig pen, and plumbing to the various places in the yard that needed it. But the new door to my attic, the window fix on the dormer window or fixing the plumbing stuff in the bathroom still are waiting for him. Now my dear brother-in-law Mike has offered to take care of this stuff. How many ways can you say thank you to a family as wonderful as the one I married into...

Baby, Baby Einstein to Boy!

2010-03-10T20:31:00.000-08:00

The first photo I took was at the end of August last year. The "Einstein" look was just after the new year and the last photo was taken the week we went to the coast. Cash has grown so fast and now with the new hair cut he doesn't look like a baby anymore...

Annual Fordyce family coast trip

2010-03-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

I just got back from our annual trip to the coast with the family. It was one of another "firsts" as it was without my beloved Steve. The first night was the hardest for me and my brother-in-law Craig. Not hearing Steve's voice or his laughter was very upsetting to say the least but as the weekend wore on it got easier. It still is hard for me to believe that eleven months have passed since his accident.

The photo I have posted it here is one I took from a previous anniversary trip Steve and I made to Pacific City. We stayed at the Inn at Cape Kiwanda and this was taken off the balcony, Haystack Rock is to the right. I had to include a picture because I still haven't edited the pictures I took so it will be a bit before I post them. But be warned I only took a few and they were mostly of my 'very' cute grandson and his cousins...

Always learning...

2010-02-25T04:09:00.000-08:00

Everyday it is something new. Yesterday I learned that the government requires estates to have a federal tax id number. What in heavens name for was my first reaction. Then it occurred to me that they want to make sure that money left in the estate is taxed. What bastards. The money is already taxed to death when you earn it. They want to make sure anybody who inherits from the estate is reported, so they can tax the money again only at a higher rate. It is no small wonder why one of the political parties wants to lower if not get rid of the inheritance tax. It is just a shame that it isn't the party that is running the country right now...

Yesterday...

2010-02-18T13:55:00.001-08:00

It was the couch, today it was my coffee table pretty soon no place will be safe from my grandson...

And the fun begins...

2010-02-17T15:39:00.001-08:00

Cash finally managed to get on the couch by himself. I thought I was tired before but oh boy...

Visiting him...

2010-02-15T18:20:00.000-08:00

I couldn't do it on Valentine's Day so I went to visit Steve today. I have discovered two things. One, I can't do it without breaking down and two, I do need the anti-depressants. I thought I would be able to work this through without them but it has become blatantly obvious that I can't. It is very hard to lose a child due to a miscarriage this I know because I have experienced it but I have no idea how it is to lose one you have had with and near you for many years. So my heart aches for my dear mother-in-law. We do share a grief that we both have experienced and that is losing our husbands. Missing our 'life' partners is an ache I cannot even describe. It isn't just the quietness of your home, or having no one to snuggle with on cold nights. It is also having no one to have your meals with, to tell about your day or share all the fun stuff you did with your grandchild. We planned to spend a lot of time camping with the kids and their families. Now I have a travel trailer and no desire to even get near it. I hear with time people cope better but it is just a few weeks away from being a year and it hurts just as much as it did the day it happened.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-12T16:48:00.000-08:00

We were supposed to go away for a romantic weekend to make up for not doing anything last Valentine's Day, so this one is exceptionally bittersweet. I am missing my husband so much. Take the time to tell your loved ones that you love them...

Wishing a Happy Valentine's Day to all of my friends and family.

Tears...

2010-02-09T17:27:00.000-08:00

They fall at the least expected moments. It continues to catch me off guard. Music he loved, his handwriting, his shirts hanging in the closet or that stupid cast iron skillet he made his omelets in. Some days I wish I never got out of bed...

Ten months...

2010-02-02T21:22:00.000-08:00

It just doesn't seem possible that Steve has been gone that long. There are still things not settled when it comes to his estate. One thing for sure, what money there was is all gone now. And 'Pedro' has been paid off and the bank is notifying the FAA according to a letter I received in the mail. Like it makes a difference to them. Sheesh...

Mrs. Steven Fordyce...forever...

2010-01-24T15:40:00.000-08:00

According to the FAA that is not my legal name. I received a notice saying I had to resubmit the information about the plane because I signed the document as Mrs. Steven Fordyce. That is my name and as far as I am concerned it always will be, what twits...

I have a cold...

2010-01-17T15:31:00.000-08:00

This is the icing on the cake. I received letters from the estate attorney and the attorney representing me, asking about Steve's log books this past week. The estate is ready to close but the passengers' attorneys are wanting to see the log books before they settle with the insurance company. I have been told not to worry because Steve was meticulous about his plane and books but that doesn't stop me. Till this matter is settled we can not close the estate. This just holds up a bunch of things that I need to do. Why does this have to drag on so?

ETA: I mailed off the books to my attorney on Friday. Hopefully this will bring all of this to an end. Still haven't heard from the FAA since the last week in April.

The end results...

2010-01-15T17:35:00.000-08:00

I hadn't had my eyebrows done for several weeks and so yesterday when I had them done I knew my skin would be a little red today. That was an understatement. Then today was one of 'those' days so my face was red and blotchy all over with swollen eyes. The end results of an on and off again crying spree. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed...

November 21, 2009

2010-01-12T23:04:00.000-08:00

On that day he took my breath away. He stole his grandparents hearts and he continues to fill mine with so much love. I am so grateful to have Cash in my life, filling the void that his grandpa left. His mere presence is so comforting. Thank you Sarah and Nate for giving me a wonderful grandbaby...

Missing him...

2010-01-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

There are no words...

Happy New Year!!!

2010-01-02T19:23:00.000-08:00

At least I hope it's going to be for everyone. Not the way I had planned on bringing in the new year but it was still really good. Lisa and Buck came over made dinner then we played Monopoly till after 1AM. We rang in the new year with hugs, kisses and alcohol... yippee!!!

He is the cutest...

2009-12-30T23:28:00.000-08:00

I can't even begin to describe how much fun it is to be with Cash. He is sometimes fussy, cranky and just plain stinky but I still love him. Here are a few pictures I took at Christmas. The first picture was taken on the 26th at the "Fordyce" Christmas get together. The others were taken at my house Christmas morning/afternoon. There were a couple of times when the wrapping paper seemed to over take the whole room and Cash seemed to just disappear in it all. The plane he is riding on is an Elmo plane with a propeller that rotates and has lights. The engine sound is pretty accurate considering it is a toy. I just noticed when I loaded these pictures that I only took one picture of his mom, his dad in the background on a couple and no pictures of Aunt Lisa or Uncle Buck. Yep, I am a Grandma...

Snow, snow and more snow...

2009-12-29T15:12:00.000-08:00

As I sit here in front of Steve's computer I can look out the window and see the snow coming down. It makes me think of Steve. How much he and the girls would chant "Two feet, two feet" whenever it snowed. They loved playing in the snow together. Sledding down Hammer's hill, pulling an inner tube behind the three wheeler and building snowmen. Though one year Steve added breasts to the snow "person" which got big laughs from Sarah and Nick Schneider. Somewhere I know there are pictures of that snow 'woman'. Oh, how I miss my dear Steven.

ETA: It started to snow again and hard for quite awhile. Everything is so bright outside though usually at this time it is completely dark. I took this photo standing on my porch looking south.

The reason for the season...

2009-12-24T17:06:00.000-08:00

is of course to celebrate the birth of Christ and to be thankful for all that he has given us. I am so thankful for all of my loved ones. Those near and far, please know that you are in my heart and mind always...